Like you (Phan)

2015: past

REMEMBER THIS IS NOT MY STORY FULL CREDIT TO
it's-just-phun-to-imagine
2015 Glasgow Tour Day ~
Nostalgia is dangerous. That is the most recent profound conclusion that Dan has come to. He stared out the misty window of Starbucks, looking at the people bustling through Glasgow. It's 5pm and they were due back to the venue in an hour, Dan just needed to walk around for a while, and Phil wasn't going to let Dan go on his own, so they'd decided to go to Starbucks. Just at that moment, Phil walked round, sitting in the opposite armchair.
"Caramel latte for you," Phil announced, handing Dan his drink, "And a pumpkin spice latte for me!"
"Phil Lester you basic bitch." Dan joked, sipping his drink.
"What can I say?" Phil replied, shrugging his shoulders, "It's who I am." Dan laughed, and Phil soon joined in. Dan would never get tired of how they can just laugh so easily; and Phil's smile, that too. Dan took another sip of his drink, warming his hands around it, licking his lips.
"How're you feeling?" Phil asked.
"I'm alright so far, just trying not to freak out just yet...you?"
"Honestly?" Phil leaned forwards, arms resting on his knees, "I'm kinda terrified."
Dan was taken aback, staring at Phil's worried face. They'd always made sure to check how the other was doing the whole journey, right from when they first told everyone about the book. Dan was normally the one to freak out about things; Phil was supposed to be the level headed one. If Phil freaked out, then Dan was screwed.
"You have no reason to be!" Dan reassured, partly to himself as well.
"Dan, I wasn't joking when I said I was going to fall over!"
"We've practised it a billion times," Dan reminded Phil...and himself "And if you fall over, I'll fall over too so they laugh at both of us."
"You would not do that, you'd laugh!"
"I promise!" Dan tapping his drink against Phil's, sealing the deal.
Phil smiled that time. "..Thanks Dan."
"Anytime," Dan replied, staring out the window again. It was already getting dark outside, and Dan could make out a few fuzzy street lamps shining through the misted glass. He tested the glass with his finger. It was cold and perfect for drawing on.
"Draw Pepé" Phil suggested.
"That would be a self-portrait." Dan said plainly, continuing to stare at the glass as he heard Phil snort into his latte. He wiped his hand over the glass, making a large circle. He glanced to his left, seeing Phil mirroring his actions, making his own circle. He shot a small half smile at Phil, letting his eyes wander up and down Phil's focused face. He wouldn't be able to do this in the show, the fans would be watching, so he better get it all out now. He rested his head against the glass, watching Phil, who stared out the window.
"Stop staring at me Howell." Phil said. Damn you.
"M'not." Dan mused, smirking slightly, "Lester." Phil raised his eyebrows as Dan innocently sipped his drink, smirking behind it. Dan remembered a time when he would of blushed madly if Phil had seen him staring, but it was different now. They did it as a joke sometimes, heart-eyes Howell was tradition, so he had no reason not to stare, and it was kind of his way of coping. He wasn't a lovesick teenager anymore. Well, he wasn't a teenager at least.
"You are." Phil sounded annoyed as he leant back in his chair, yet his smirk said different as he met Dan's eyes. Dan shrugged, staring back. They stared each other out, seeing who would break first. It wasn't 2009 anymore, and Dan wasn't about to loose. Bring it Phil. And without any hesitation, Dan bit his lip very deliberately, gauging Phil's reaction. And as expected, Phil broke first, covering his face with his hands, laughing. Dan loved hearing Phil's laugh. He may not be a teenager anymore, but that laugh still gave him butterflies.
"Phhiiilll!" Dan said, a smug smile on his triumphant face.
"Daannn!" Phil returned, sticking his tongue out, looking back out the window again, and resting his chin on his hand. Dan thought momentarily about taking a sneaky photo of Phil, adding to the many that Dan had never posted on the internet, because Phil said the fans would go mad. Dan mirrored Phil, forgetting the idea.
"Dan..." Phil said. He sounded uncertain all of a sudden. This made Dan's stomach feel excited. It was probably something about animals, a fact or anecdote, but he always hopes for more. Maybe it's his fault that it's not more, but he tries not to think about it, especially before the first show.
Dan looked up at Phil, who had slid down slightly in his chair and folded his arms across his chest, making himself smaller.
"I'm not playing charades you twat." Dan laughed at his friend.
"Look!" Phil pointed out the window. Dan rolled his eyes, wiping the glass again to see what Phil was so freaked out about. And then he saw. Are you kidding me. Now that is dedication. A full two and a half hours early, two girls with cat whiskers on their faces, were wandering around outside. Dan's eyes widened. Blinking, he looked closer, wondering why they were so early. One grasped a large piece of paper in her hand, wearing a checked shirt, and the other was turning in circles, phone in her hand, and llama hat on her head. Google maps had obviously failed her. As she turned around, Dan saw that she was wearing the same circle eclipse top as he owned-a fan favourite.
"That's incredible." He said, stunned, sinking a little lower in his chair himself. "One of them has got my circle top on, now that is dedication." He chuckled to himself.
"They look lost." Phil worried.
"Why are they so early?" Dan let out a small laugh.
Both boys looked at each other. For us. They beamed at each other. They always thought that they'd get over this feeling. The feeling that there were actual, real life people out there who wanted to see them and thought that they were wonderful. It was and will always remain daunting, but bloody brilliant. But the feeling remains, to this very day. Dan remembers how strong it was the first time he'd realised that people actually wanted to talk to him. His first SITC, VidCon, Playlist, people coming up to him in the streets, it was all too surreal back then. And it still kind of is.
Dan watched the two fans, laughing together as they looked at the piece of paper, something they'd made together, just for the tour. He felt proud. Proud of what him and Phil had created. He was proud of this wonderful little world on the internet they'd made, that meant so much to so many, and him and Phil. He'd achieved so much. They'd achieved so much. And it all led up to this, The Amazing Tour Is Not On Fire.
He looked over to Phil, who was also staring out the window, smiling stupidly at the fans, who were now jumping round in circles. 2009 was so long ago, yet it felt like they'd filmed the first Phil is not on Fire only yesterday. He'd been so excited when they'd filmed it. AmazingPhil wanted him in one of his videos, and he was going to make the most of it. He smiled as he remembered, wondering if Phil was thinking the same.
Nostalgia is dangerous.
"Do you remember ever being that excited?" Dan asked quietly.
"About what?"
"Stuff you were a fan of."
Phil paused for a moment, thinking briefly before speaking. "Buffy."
Dan rolled his eyes. "Of course."
"You?"
Dan thought carefully about his answer. He remembers being excited about Muse, My Chemical Romance, and various other bands, but he felt like this conversation was important. So, his answer needed to mean something. And nothing had ever meant more to him than Phil, meeting Phil, becoming Phil's best friend. It was the obvious answer in his eyes, and they were going on tour, they had a book. They'd done so much together, and Phil meant everything. Dan was going to make him see that. He was going to do this right.
"Well," He spoke quietly, "I was pretty excited when I met you."
"Oh really?" Phil asked sarcastically.
"Yes! You were AmazingPhil! Well, you still are, but you were famous! Well you're more famous now, but you were wonderful! Even more."
They sat in silence as Phil processed what Dan had just said. Dan didn't really know what he was trying to say. A collection of things that he always thinks but never says. His memories had made him brave, and if he didn't say these things now, then he never would.
"I just-I know how those guys feel." Dan gestured to the window, "I see it every time we meet them."
"See what?"
"They way they look at you. It's not just 'being a fan' and it never was. They adore you. They think you're the most wonderful thing in the world. And I know that," Dan took a breath, "Because that's how I used to look at you."
Phil stared at him, expression unreadable.
"Still do." Dan mumbled, tracing the top of his latte.
Phil looked down at a spot on the floor, leaning back in his chair, running his hands through his hair. An uncomfortable silence; something they could never get quite right. They got it right now.
"Maybe we should head back-"
"Friendship comes first. That's what you told me." Phil mumbled.
"Phil I-"
"You can't say things like that to me." Phil didn't look up. His voice was suddenly harsh. He didn't sound like Phil. Phil, who was smiling only seconds ago, ruined, by Dan.
"What?"
"Think about it Dan," His eyes bore into Dan's, "The fans think we're dating as it is. You start saying stuff like that to me, they're gonna assume-"
"I'm not going to say that on stage." Dan assured.
"Oh, so you'll say it off stage then?" Phil looked angry, and Dan had to fix this, before it was too late.
"I don't know Phil," Dan was confused, and he didn't understand why Phil was angry, "Maybe, I don't know!"
"What am I supposed to do with a maybe?!"
"I don't know!" Dan was trying to fix something that was breaking in his hands. It was like watching glass shatter, "Look Phil, its our first show, lets not argue-"
"No Dan!" Phil yelled. "I will argue. Know why?"
Dan remained silent, watching as Phil clenched his hands at his sides, trying to find the right words. Eventually he got there, voice trembling. And what he said, was what Dan had wanted to hear for six years. But not like this.
"Because I waited. I waited for you. I've always waited for you Dan. I waited for so long and I was so hopeful and patient. I waited for you to tell me why. Why you said these things that made me feel hopeful, happy, and why you'd push me away. Even the fans waited for you, because they thought, like I did, that just maybe, we had a chance. Maybe they can carry on waiting forever, but I can't. I can't do it anymore." Dan could feel tears forming behind his eyes, but he held them back, "I waited for someone like you, and then you were there. Like, you dropped out the sky. And you were so-" Phil gulped, "-important, to me. And sometimes, I wonder why I waited."
Dan watched Phil, as he looked out the window, smiling at the two fans, silent tears falling down his face.
"I just, if you'd only known how it had felt-"
"We were never even together!" Dan cried. Because he knew exactly how it felt.
"Yeah," Phil looked down at his lap, wiping his eyes, "You've always made that pretty clear."
No.
"Phil I didn't mean to hur-"
"Look, you don't have to say anything Dan, I just, please. Don't say stuff like that to me, it...it's hard to..remember... those memories." He smiled sadly at Dan, who moved his hand forward, reaching for Phil's hand, "I'm sorry."
No. I can't lose him. Not now. Not ever.
Phil moved his hand away, getting his phone out his pocket, shaking his head from side to side. And just like that, Phil was smiling again, but his eyes were red.
"We should get back." He said, standing up, his voice thick from crying, "The official people texted me, I feel so popular!"
Dan nodded, feeling a lump in his throat.
You're losing him Howell.
"Phil, I'm sorry, I-"
"Sorry for what you turnip?" He laughed, "Now there are two fans out there who are a little lost. I say we go and help them out. What say you?" Phil winked, holding out his arm, like he was going to escort Dan to a party. Dan was utterly confused. Phil wasn't mad now, he was positively bubbling. Dan looked up at Phil's outstretched arm, blinking as tears clung to his eyelashes.
"Phil, I don't understa-"
"What say you, bear?" Phil hasn't called me bear in three years.
"Yes, but..."
"Yeah?"
"....Why don't you call me that anymore?"
"What?"
"..Bear."
Phil's smile faded slightly as he lowered his arm.
"Because you stopped calling me lion."
And Phil exited the coffee shop without another word. Dan followed him out, rubbing his eyes with his sleeve, watching the fans run toward him, remembering how it felt to see the single most important person to you, to meet them. He knows how it feels. They only screamed louder when they saw Dan. They were very nice, and as it turns out, they'd dressed like Dan and Phil on purpose, which was pretty amazing. Then it was selfie time.
And Dan had never found it so hard to smile in a photo.
Nostalgia is dangerous.