Sometimes I feel as though life drags on, people only here to spite you, and the world out to get you.
You learn no one is ever gonna love you, as hard as you try, because you aren't up to standard. You aren't pretty, and you sure as hell aren't skinny. I've gotten used to being the pushover at school, but in my head I'm a feminist who doesn't care and is too good for any guy.
I'm a girl who dreams in color but wakes up to nothing but dark and dreary skies. So I've learned to the love the darkness, however deep it may pull me.
There are many things I learned quickly in freshman year.
One; no one is going to accept you if you aren't like them or follow there rules. Even the most friendly people have social groups and will not let anyone in.
Two; if you don't have a pack, you're nothing. If your friends come from different ones, you're even more screwed.
Three; fake friends are unavoidable when you put on a fake smile for everyone.
Four; depression is not just slitting your wrists. It's seeing in your day almost every morning when you wake up, and letting it in when you sleep. It's your parents asking you why you're tired all the time when you can only shrug when really you only want to scream. It's simply pain, pain so great you're suffocating and no one understands.
Five; act like nothing hurts you. It's the best way to get friends or lose them. I've done both. People love pain but they also love when you have less pain so they can load more on you.
Six; fake it. No one is ever gonna know. If you act smart, they will believe you. If you act in love, you will eventually fall face first. But make sure to push them away. Love is never real, how ever much your hurting heart wants to believe it is.
And now that I've let you in on my rules to surviving, I want to tell you what has happened from the summer of my 8th grade year till now.
Halfway through the summer, I stopped talking to Russian completely. I pushed him away and eventually he grew bored of talking one sidedly.
Right before my freshman year, Bubbles dared me to ask him what he thought of us as (to me, we were together as he had asked me out during the summer.) I was thinking about breaking up with him because I needed to focus on grades (stupid, I know,) but I asked him anyways.
In three sentences, he ripped my heart out of my chest and crushed it in his hand, and I didn't even realize he had it.
"I think of us as friends. But I still love you. I meant that."
Boom. Friend zoned. Badly. In an act of rashness and hurt, I told him never to talk to me again and I deleted his number. I didn't understand how he could love me and just think of us as friends. I was too naive to know I wasn't pretty enough for him.
Little did I know that he was a stupid 8th grade boy, and nothing could prepare me for the nightmares that were highschool.
I was already feeling nervous, but I attended a week long leadership camp in the summer with Raven, and though we were still outcasts, my self esteem was boosted and ready for this new challenge. That fell apart at the seams.
Already upset I couldn't take Theatre class, something I was looking forward to, I was even more overwhelmed to find myself as freshman class president, the only asb board member in my grade.
That meant every conference and chance I got, I had to take. I was bombarded with everything from experienced members expecting me to come with new fresh ideas to leaving my home almost every weekend for a conference where I had no one and was always outcasted. I found solace in Raven, who was content to listen to me rant after she had broken up with the nasty thing that was Dwarf.
Next came Volleyball. Practice every day. And while it was fun, and some times I could forget everything just cream a ball, I never could forget my insecurities. My uniform was too small. I was bigger than all the other girls. I wasn't good enough, I was stuck on c squad. And while I loved our coach, our team sucked ass.
Sure there were fun moments, like when the few upperclassmen and I became friends, but the best part of volleyball was GS. She was my ray of sunshine, the one who introduced me to a new artist of music. I owe that part of my life to you girl. And when volleyball ended, she stayed with me and never let me down, even when we drifted farther apart. I will never forget those late night bus trips back from games.
But even that had some rough patches. After volleyball was over, a two faced bitch named Katie told me that jasmine liked me. I had known she was bi for a while and had always suspected something, but had never thought twice about it. I asked GS and she got pissed at Katie and the subject closed off forever.
In the middle of volleyball season, that girl made a new friend. One that replaced my spot as top priority. Dora, who I mentioned before. It didmt really bother me and still doesn't. She's still my fangirler.
Raven hit a rough spot with a guy this year.
He used her like a tissue and she still can't get over him. She fell into a pit of depression, so hard and fast that I couldn't pull her out in time.
In most ways, it's my fault. I should have been there for her more often. I was too busy, too wrapped up in my own problems to see her struggling. I'm sorry Raven, for letting you go. I'm never gonna let go again.
Please don't choose Jake. He's not good for you, just like the prince of darkness wasn't. Just be young wild and free and forget the haters. You got life in you yet, though I can't say the same about myself.
I have a name, but not for that girl. For Raven. She has been through so much and I owe it to her to give my daughter, my Winter Panda a name. So spawn of Satan, I christen you with the name the Rock. You've had unmoving faithfulness in me and haven't put up with bullshit from anyone. You deserve so much better than the mess I am and the prince of darkness. Thanks girl.
Creighton. That name ring a bell? The creepy stalker back in past chapters? Well he is about to become very important.
Next chapter.
