Being Malay

A Facebook Post to the Boy I Used to Know

December First, Year 2015.

You look so different now
I've heard you played poker with puberty
a few years ago but I know that not to be true
you were too young to gamble on
caskets of young dreams for
presents of fine sincerity
because there was never a room for your jealousy
in kindergarten or primary school
I remember you had a friend
a 'best friend', a 'worst enemy',
a bubbly spirit in humanoid entity,
I remember you hung out with him thinking
good things come in twos
but I know that not to be true
you don't have a twin.

You think so differently now
you used to be this carefree juvenile boy
whose innocence could be measured in pints
whose need was to open cartons
you could not buy
brimming with love from your parents
you were normal, or at least you used to be.

You sound so different now
your voice makes the echoes
of your uncertainty listen and the kaleidoscope
of din from your surroundings mute.
You used to be shy, you still are
but you're a different shy now
your shy came in waves of water from the ocean
now it's in the water in the glass in your hands.
You used to be a scorer
but you couldn't score a goal proper
I remember
your chest was the proud mother of
your heart as it blissfully smiled
but things change.

You walk so differently now
your back used to grieve from pain
as you relentlessly went home
you talked to yourself in every step
because you knew you were the perfect company
but now you don't.

You laugh so differently now
you hardly laughed back then
I'm glad you're doing it this time,
that time, every single day
when you've come to know
what it means to have a friend
to be one, that doesn't come like lyrics to a tune
like birthday balloons, like handouts
you could crush and throw and
let go.

You cry so differently now
you used to cry for a bottle of milk
now you cry over spilled milk
you thought grades were decisions
you could not make
promises you could not keep
until that day keeps haunting when
you cry so differently now.

You are so different now
you're still indifferent but different indifferent
you've grown a garden of ideas
blooming in hopes of your redemption
even though you already knew they're
probably going to die anyway
and I still see you wandering around each night
each day building castles in the air
you named your palace '2015'
and you had me as the king
but I have to be honest I
abandoned the throne.

Yours faithfully,
the guy you didn't expect to exist.

P.S. I'm not tagging.

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(December, 2015)

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