Hidden

Chapter Five - Aria

The days here passed slowly and the nights were long and dark. The company was pleasant enough, but every now and then it would occur to me that these kind people were also my captors; the villains of my nightmares who haunted the halls of my dreams, then walked with me through them by daylight. Sometimes it was hard to separate the two sides of them and then sometimes I wondered if I should at all. Though they were kind, the parts of them which haunted me also made me feel closer to them and not so alone in this huge place. The darkest parts of them were also the most familiar to me, the most human parts of them, when it felt all too often as if they were untouched by life, its sinful prints never smudging the surface of their demeanor. It was a confusing process of the mind, sorting through the emotions and the facts, when all too often I was naive to both.And so I found my solace in the library, Endellion's library, among the books and papers, the histories and the stories. Sometimes if I were lucky, I could completely forget where I was, why I was here and what would become of my life in just a few months' time. While I was reading, I was someone else among persons unknown and as I sat there, submerged in the life of someone else, another life would kick me from within and I would again find myself prisoner and mother all the same.           As my belly grew and the seasons changed, I slept less and less, due both to discomfort and the unease in knowing the future; my future, Adele's future, our baby's future. My eyes stung with the yearning of sleep but my mind and heart were running away inside of me. I could feel myself growing colder and I wondered how it could be that surrounded by the kindest people I have ever crossed, I would become distant and closed from the world. Shutting it out,when I could, was my survival and it was becoming easier and easier as time passed. I knew I would break soon. Slipping out of bed and into the darkness I pulled the warm green robe over myself and around my protruding belly before slipping out the door and into the hall on my way to the library, hoping to become someone else for a few hours before the sun rose and illuminated the truth again; I am just Mara, lover of Adele, mother of a child I will not have and may not know. Sinner of our kind, failure to my love, unknown to my baby. As I walk down the hall enclosed in the darkness I feel myself begin to break and I quicken my steps, willing myself to just get to the library before it happens but I am too slow and soon my cheeks are moist with the sorrows of my world. A tear for each thought to cross my mind since being brought to this giant, hollow house with its dark empty halls to dark, lonely rooms. I slow again, there is no need to rush now, I have lost the battle with myself and consider turning back. Maybe this is a good thing, perhaps I was becoming too cold a person. Perhaps it needed to happen. Then I remind myself that if I am not to harden my heart before the baby comes, any pieces left will shatter and I will be of no use to her. Her. It seems strange, but I know she will be a girl. She will have red hair and green eyes and when I look upon her face I will see her father's fierce beauty cloaking this peaceful baby girl who will change the world. Of this I am sure. One way or the other, things will never be the same and I am not positive I am strong enough to keep my promises to Avanees. Not sure I can do the right thing, even if I believe it to be right at the time, even if it saves our world and I wonder if this makes me a bad person or a good mother and if there is really much of a difference or just a fine line. Lost in thought I find myself at the door to the library and walk inside slowly, making my way to the window seat where I so often read and dream, passing back and forth between the two often. There are books already on the emerald cushions and so I walk passed the shelf, not concerned with what I will read as long as I am reading something. I do not notice that I am not alone until I am already curled in the window running my fingers along the pages of the old, dusty book on top of the pile. I am not startled as I would have been in my old life, as I have grown to regard it. I have been here some time and there has never been anyone aside from the council and myself to find their way inside and I am not sure if it is because we are secured or because no one wishes for our company. When I look up from the pages, Endellion is on the couch with his own pile of books, watching me. He is not angry at being interrupted in his solitude, but rather amused. "I'm sorry, I did not know someone was here. I guess I should have realized when the light was on." He smiles and I know it is alright before he even begins. "Don't be silly, I fear I have done these books a great injustice keeping them here. I am usually the only one to take interest in the written word. I suspect they're lonely, keeping so many secrets for so long. I should thank you for sharing in them." He was such a kind man and it was hard to find that fire in him which was so obvious within Tangora. His demeanor was gentle and kind and I am sure he could glamour the darkness itself given the chance. But his eyes, though they seemed lonely and sorrowful most often, every now and then I have seen ferocity behind the beautiful dark brown hue, waiting just below the surface and I remember that he is Tangora's. They alone have a fire so brilliant with in them that I have no doubt that together, they could set the entire world on fire. I stare at him as I think of this, looking for that darkness within him, unable to find it. Perhaps I search a little too long as he has moved to the window next to me and I am suddenly aware of his proximity to myself. He looks concerned and hurt, confused and understanding all at the same time. "You were weeping in the halls. Your cheeks are moist. I would ask you why your heart aches so, but I suspect I already know and am partially to blame." He looks down at his hands in his lap and again I wonder how he can be so fierce and so broken at the same time. Then it occurs to me that everyone here is broken somehow and we survive it together, this house of broken hearts. "I will be okay. Every now and then I feel unable to control my emotions and they sometimes get the best of me."