why wait

where it began

every time i speak to a councilor, the main thing they always ask me is when did the feeling begin. well let me explain it to you so that you are not confused.

when i was young, i was seen as a happy, normal child. i was giggly, i was nice, and i was a pretty Germanese girl. i had pale blue eyes that resembled ice in the middle of winter. my hair was an ivory black and smoother than silk. i had pale white skin that resembled my mother's. but what got everyone was the origin of my decent. my mother was a full blood japanese beauty that was famous for modeling and her voice. my father, a hard working german austrian was famous for his ability in theory and psychology. he gave me my eyes, but his contained an icy stare that could pierce the soul of anyone who tried to get in his way. all together, it created me. but all they saw was what was on the outside. what they didnt see was who I was. what was on the inside of me. the fact that i was never happy. at first i didnt know why. my family was rich, i was the only child. 

now let me talk about me now. i goto fairfeild highschool. i have short black hair. im quiet. im told that im worthless, stupid, that i should go kill myself. and i walk around, hiding the pain from everyone. those kids who thought that i was so preppy and that theyd get along with me great. now they see me as another target. but theyre too blind to see these scars, the war i fight against my self. i stopped feeling happy a long time ago. i hate myself all the time. i fake a smile, a laugh, a happy thought. i fake everything to the point where i begin to believe the lies that i would tell myself every single day. the show i put on, the people i had to deal with, the pain i had to hide, and i gave up.

now that we have that down, how bout you see into it all? this is my journal, a secret place where i tell the truth about my days. how i truly live. how i see myself. from the day i decided to hide myself, to the day that i decided to end this mistake. please be ready for a look into my life and death, and for a look into the reality that is depression. mabey i can teach you to see everyone differently....