XIV

200 10 8

by phntasia

by phntasia

// trigger warnings : swearing

150514

15:21

I'm a bit shocked at everything. I've recently went back to school and everyone has been giving me pity. I've ignored them considering I didn't really like people at the moment and all I was thinking of was Tyler fucking Oakley.

Even Gavin and his "minions" ( that's what he calls them ) ( i'm so sorry for using that word it's just gavin so hate him even more ) ignored me. I guess it's pity? I have no idea. They see me and just look away and towards their friends. I mean, I guess it's pity since they won't make me suffer. But they probably are planning their next attack soon.

I just didn't get why. Like, why I was chosen to fall in love with a man with colourful hair, greeny-blue eyes, and glasses that shape his face correctly. Why him? Why not someone else, like Connor?

Things have been going horribly wrong in 2015. I mean, gay marriage hasn't been legalised yet ( this was before june 2015 it's may in this time okay ) and Tyler is gone and everyone I love keeps giving me sympathy. I don't want any of it.

Yes, people care, but it makes me seem weak. Feel weak. Be weak. I am weak, though. I'm too skinny and too tall and my limbs are too long. I can't gain weight at all and I'm stuck like this. Everything fucking sucks and I don't know why me out of seven billion other fucking humans in this world.

I finally got home, though. Well, not home exactly, but Connor's home. I remember that when we were dating in Australia, I would hang out at his house often. His family would call me family, too, since I was a huge part in Connor's life.

I walked with Connor to his house because he said that his mum is home and they were ordering pizza. He also said that I could spend the night ( we would be sleeping on different beds though so stop screaming ) and that he would help me recollect my thoughts. He told me that he would help me, and I went along with it.

I plopped myself down on Connor's bed as I look at the ground. I was wondering at the moment that what if I made an album? It would be cool. What would I call it, though? What songs would be on there? About love? The LGBTQ+? Being sad? Childhood memories? Maybe all of those. I'd call it Blue Neighbourhood. I don't know why. Maybe because the colour blue is the colour of sadness and it's like a sad neighbourhood? A sad place where all my thoughts are? Who knows?

Ever since someone told me I was a great singer back in Perth, I've always wanted to release an EP or an album. I wish I can. That's one of my life goals. It's in my bucket list. Also to be in a movie. I have been the lead guy roles in every single play at my school and people tell m I'm amazing.

Perth was amazing. I had the best boyfriend ( Connor ), the bestest friends, my family, my life, my home. Everything was in Perth, Australia. And I literally mean everything. Even my soul and dignity are in Perth, Australia. I love and miss Perth. I want to go home. My home in Perth is a room full of my safest sounds.

But California is my home now and I just have to live with it. It's a nice place, but I love Perth more. Perth is a beautiful city. I'm not saying that Los Angeles is an ugly city. I'm not saying that at all. It would be on my top ten list of cities, though. Perth would be the top one. Then London. Then New York. Then Los Angeles.

If I ever got the chance again to move back to Perth, I'd say yes. Everyone I heard misses me. Sometimes, my friends in Perth would Skype me and tell me all the horrible things that has happened, such as the school bully bullying them because they're part of the LGBTQ+ Community or they just support it. The bullies in the high school I went to were homophobics, which makes no sense. And the same at this school, except a bit more worse.

Homophobia is a term that kind of scared me. It's someone who doesn't like people who like the same sex. I don't get why. I mean, it's just love. People love each other for a reason. It could be for their looks ( which is wrong because all you're saying is that you want a hot spouse who probably won't be hot in the future I mean have you seen fetus Luke Hemmings like he's not ugly but he wasn't the most attractive person ) or personality or anything. That they have good sex, they're a good kisser, whatever. For me, I like people for their personalities.

"Are you okay, Troye? You blanked out just now," I hear Connor's voice ask me. I look to my left and see that Connor was sitting beside me eating his salad. ( i'm not sure entirely what connor eats so don't fight me bc i said salad )

"Yeah, I'm okay. I'm just... Homesick, you know?" I see Connor's eyes go wide when I say that. He finishes the last of his salad and throws it away in the trash. He then walks back to his seat and looks at me like I'm crazy.

"It's been like, what? Eight months ever since you moved here? And you're still homesick?"

"I guess so. I just miss our friends and everything. I wish I hadn't move here. California sucks."

"I love California, though! I remember moving from Minnesota, which was a state in the north where it's terribly cold, to Australia, which is still in a drought and gets to extreme temperatures, and to California. Even though we're in a drought, it's not as hot. The weather is really bipolar, but at least it's not too hot."

"But Australia is what I call home. My youth lies there. Our youth lies there. You moved to Australia when you were little and I have lived there for the first seventeen years of my life!"

"I guess you're right." The bell finally rings and lunch ends. Connor and I part our ways and go to our classes. It felt like ages until school ended.