Clowning Around

Chapter 1

On the roof of the Gotham City Art Gallery, the full moon illuminated a man in a purple suit, whistling to himself as he strung a series of explosives around the glass panels high above the main gallery. The whistling soon turned into happy singing as he checked the wires linking the explosives: "I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and bright, and I pity any girl who isn't me tonight! I feel charming, oh so charming, it's alarming how charming I feel, and so pretty, that I hardly can believe I'm real! See that pretty girl in the mirror there, who can that attractive girl be? Such a pretty face, such a pretty dress, such a pretty smile, such a pretty me! I feel..."

He was cut off as a whip tightened around his neck, choking his voice in his throat. "I know you're in love with a pretty wonderful boy, J, but the feeling's not mutual," growled a familiar voice, as another figure landed on the roof. "No need to attract his attention with all that singing."

"Well, as I live and...breathe!" gasped the Joker, smiling as Catwoman released the whip from around his throat. "If it isn't Batsy's favorite pussy! What are you doing here, puddy tat?"

"Same as you. Hoping to earn a few extra bucks from our friends in the black market who deal in stolen art," said Catwoman, peering through the glass panels. "Though I do have my eye on a rather fine piece I'm gonna keep for myself."

"Is it the one where those kittens are playing poker?" chuckled Joker.

"Those are dogs," snapped Catwoman. "No, it's a painting of a panther, actually. See the resemblance?" she purred, crouching down on all fours. "Sleek, black, dangerous?"

"That's racist," retorted Joker. "White people can be sleek and dangerous too, y'know. Just look at me!"

"Everything's a joke to you, isn't it, J?" sighed Catwoman.

"That's where my name comes from," he agreed.

"Well, this is stupid way to break into the building, if you don't mind my saying," said Catwoman. "If the explosion doesn't summon the Bat, the alarm will."

"Précisément, mon chaton," retorted Joker, laughing. "You don't think I'm actually interested in stealing the paintings, do you? Maybe cat burglary and petty thievery makes pussy purr, but I'm only doing this to fight the Bat. It's what I live for, really," he chuckled.

"You're pathetic," she muttered. "Nobody should ever be dependent on that jerk."

"Aw, trouble in paradise for love's young costumed dream?" sighed Joker. "That's sad. I always thought you and the Bat made a cute couple. I also always thought about whether or not you kept your masks on during sex. I think I would with the Bat – don't wanna ruin the mystery..."

"You know what, J, I'm really not in the mood to talk about him," interrupted Catwoman. "And I'm certainly not in the mood to see him, so if you're gonna light this homemade Batsignal, I'm outta here."

"Well, I did just see Batsy last week," said Joker. "But it's been ages since I hung around with my favorite feline femme fatale! We'll do it your way if you wanna, kitty."

Catwoman stared at him in shock. "Seriously?" she asked.

"Do I look like I'm joking?" asked Joker, grinning. "I know I do, but I've got a great poker face. You gonna play or fold, pussy pie?"

Catwoman studied him. "I'll play," she said, crouching down on the glass. "But only if you stop making jokes about pussies."

"Hey, you chose the name, not me!" chuckled Joker. "Can't expect me to resist when it's that obvious!"

"Well, try being a bit more subtle sometime, huh?" asked Catwoman, tracing her claw around in a large rectangle against the glass. "That's what women like – wit. Not goofy, clown funny."