Clowning Around

Chapter 3

The telephone rang, and Selina Kyle turned off her TV and went to go answer it. "Hello?"

"ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR GODDAMN MIND?!" shrieked a voice she knew well. Selina cringed, holding the phone away from her ear.

"Ivy? What the hell are you screaming about?" she demanded.

"YOU AND THE CLOWN?! ARE YOU INSANE?! HE'S THE MOST DISGUSTING PIECE OF HUMANITY WHO EVER CRAWLED THE EARTH, AND NO SELF-RESPECTING WOMAN COULD EVER HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH HIM! SO HAVE YOU SUDDENLY LOST ALL SELF-RESPECT, OR ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR GODDAMN MIND?!"

"Calm down, Ivy, it's just a joke!" snapped Selina.

"Oh, really?!" demanded Ivy. "Does J know that?!"

"Of course he does! We discussed it..."

"Because he's kicked Harley out!" continued Ivy. "Told her he's dumped her for you! So maybe he's got the wrong impression about this so-called joke, or maybe you just can't admit to me that you're sleeping with the enemy! The man goes against everything we believe in, Selina! I know you've been with slime before, but this is low, even for you!"

"What do you mean 'even for me'?!" snapped Selina. "Pot to the kettle, Ivy!" Then the realization of what she had said struck her. "Wait, J's done what?" she asked.

"Dumped Harley!" snapped Ivy. "Johnny Crane called to say she showed up on his doorstep completely distraught because the Joker dumped her for you! So I guess J doesn't think it's a joke!"

"But we're not actually...oh, that moron!" hissed Selina. "Don't worry, Ivy, I'll sort this out."

"You'd better! Or I'm gonna come kill one or both of you!" shrieked Ivy, slamming down the phone.

Selina sighed, dialling another number. "Stupid...idiotic...goddamn...clown!" she hissed, as the phone rang.

"Oh, hello, honey kitten!" chuckled a voice on the other end. "What a pleasant surprise! I missed hearing your voice, kitty pie..."

"J, what's all this I hear about you kicking out Harley?" demanded Selina. "You do understand we're not really a couple, right? This is a joke! I am not actually your girlfriend now!"

"Of course, pussy poo!" cooed Joker. "But it wouldn't be a very good joke if we didn't go for authenticity! How's Bats supposed to believe we're an item if Harley's still hanging around me? He's the World's Greatest Detective, y'know – if you wanna trick him, you gotta make it all look real."

"Ok, but Harley doesn't seem to understand that this is a joke," retorted Selina. "You didn't tell her?"

Joker was silent. "Y'know, in the heat of the moment, it must have slipped my mind," he said, casually.

"J, you have to tell her!" shouted Selina. "She's gonna be utterly heartbroken, not to mention furious!"

"Don't tell me you're scared of her, pussykins?" chuckled Joker. "Surely a big, strong panther like yourself can handle a dopey little clown girl like her?"

"I can handle her, but I don't want to fight her!" retorted Selina. "She's my friend! Or she was, before this. If you don't explain things to her, I will."

"Ok, kitty witty, you do that," agreed Joker. "I'm sure she'll be really pleased to see you, and really willing to listen to what you have to say calmly and without complaint. And I'm sure she'll believe you too. Harley's got such a rational mind after all, especially when it involves me."

Selina sighed. "Look, after this is all done, you're gonna take her back, right? And you'll explain everything to her then?"

"Of course, pussy poo," agreed Joker.

"Then I guess I can let her stay mad and heartbroken for a little while," muttered Selina. "Might do her some good, actually. It might make her realize what kinda scum you actually are."

"Oooh, I love it when you talk dirty, pussykins!" chuckled Joker.

"What did I say about pussy jokes?" demanded Selina.

"Sorry, kitty pie," replied Joker. "But I have to have some affectionate nicknames for you. All for the sake of authenticity, of course. And you know Batsy might be listening in right now – paranoid guy like him probably has the phones bugged. I think addressing each other with affectionate nicknames is the only sensible course."

"You're really getting off on this joke, aren't you?" growled Selina. "But for the last time, it is just a joke, J. So just get that through your thick skull."

"Just a joke, yes, kitty witty. Nothing more serious to me than that," replied Joker, giggling. "We should plan our next date, though. Maybe somewhere a bit more public than the Iceberg Lounge. Someplace that'll really get people talking."

Selina thought for a moment. She was very eager to get this whole thing over with as quickly as possible, so she could have Batman, and things could go back to normal between her and Harley. Also so she would never have to deal with the Joker as a casual acquaintance ever again. And the quickest way to make Batman jealous was to go show him her and the Joker together. But it was a bit difficult to predict where Batman was going to be at any given time, unless a crime was in progress. Not so difficult to predict where Bruce Wayne was going to be, though.

Selina smiled to herself. The Joker didn't know Batman's secret identity, and she intended to keep it that way. But there was no reason why she couldn't flaunt her and Joker's relationship at Bruce Wayne, just to see how he'd react, and maybe speed things along. There was a restaurant he was very fond of taking his dates to, and he was bound to be there with someone on a Saturday night, if only for the sake of appearances.

"Do you know the revolving restaurant at the top of Dini Towers?" she asked.

"Know it? I did two hold-ups there last year! Called it dinner theatre – I did a comedy routine while Harl and the boys collected everyones' valuables! Fun and financially rewarding at the same time."

"Yeah, well, I'll book us a table there for Saturday night. The crème de la crème of society hang out there. Our appearance together is sure to get some tongues wagging."

"Ooh, sounds like fun!" agreed Joker. "See you then, honey kitten!"

Selina hung up the phone, smiling to herself. "All right, Bruce," she murmured. "Time to let the Bat see what he's missing out on."