Life. At some point every person in your life will leave you, whether they choose to leave themselves or you let them go. Some come back and others don’t and that’s how everyone learns to deal with it all. However at no point in my life would I think you would leave me or that I would leave you. I’ll always be haunted by the look of desolate pain in your eyes the day I told you I was leaving. You thought it was a joke, until you saw fat tears roll down my checks. The way your chest heaved with soundless sobs and how you tried to keep the tears from falling around me. Today marks 4 years since I left and everyday I regret this decision even more; wishing I could turn the clock back to stop it all from happening. But of course I can’t.
Edward Christopher Sheeran, a name I no longer cannot stand to hear, however my roommate has other ideas on this subject. Everyday I have a constant reminder of you, photos thrusted in my face or facts about how big you’ve become and what you like. When most of the time these little things you like I already knew. Painful memories flash through my mind, it sometimes feels like it could be a hallucination, they feel that real. I often have sleepless nights and dreams of how we used to be.
Tossing and turning after another night of torturing dreams am I finally pounced upon by Paige my roommate. It’s Saturday meaning we’ve both got the day off and following our weekly ritual, Paige waking me up by jumping on my bed, yelling about getting dressed to head into town. It’s easier to oblige to what Paige wants otherwise it usually ends in world war three, tears from the both of us and a week of agonising silent treatment, which admittedly could be heaven at times.
I roll out of bed, shivering from how cold my room feels compared to being under my quilts. I shuffle over to my wardrobe which is now falling apart; it’s a mini mission impossible to get anything out of there without the wardrobe either collapsing or being attacked by random clothes. I pull on a pair of simple skinny jeans, grey with a slight tear at the right knee, so you can just see a stretch of pale flesh poking through. A simple black faded band top, the name now unreadable due to the amount it’s worn onto the top of my slender frame. A simple zip up hoodie, a little loose and a pair of my old scuffed red converse on my feet. Now time to attack my hair, the usual side fringe across my face to help me blend into the crowd and simply back combed and straightened; to finish the look a cream beanie pulled over the top of my head to keep me warm.
I walk into the living room to be greeted by a impatient Paige, obviously disgruntled that I took so long to get dressed, when in real life it took about 15 minutes tops.
“you’ve took too long, you can skip breakfast or else by the time we get into the city centre there won’t be anything good to buy.”
I knew I would be skipping breakfast, it wasn’t a big deal. The only thing that hurt was when Paige hurled my car keys at me, her frustration with me obvious. I ignored it and yanked open the stiff door to our little flat and plodded down to the ground, bracing myself for whatever weather front was happening. Typical British weather so unpredictable. I stepped out shivering slightly and paced over to my classic beaten mini, I knew I was laughed at for driving such an old car, which couldn’t even get over 65; but I loved my mini to bits. It was the first car I owned and had been through thick and thin with me. It’s funny how inanimate objects can stay with you longer that people.
45 minutes of heavy traffic and paige and myself had reached the city centre and headed for some retail therapy. Our first point of call was HMV, I loved this shop dearly as I always felt music and I had a very special connection. I was able to express myself through it with ease and the idea of this didn’t scare me yet, talking to someone frightened me senseless. Anyway as I was browsing in the back of the store, looking at old CDs, a huge scream erupted at the front of the shop. I had no idea what was going on. That was until I caught a glimpse of bright orange hair, the feeling of love erupted through me, yet I brought myself to think that if you saw me it would release a world of pain, that you wouldn’t have experienced for years. I then finally realised what was happening, you were signing merchandise today; right at the front of the shop. I was trapped, I couldn’t pass through the front entrance as it was full of screaming fans and I couldn’t risk the chance of you seeing me, the only thing I could do was sit here and wait for you to finish. It was going to be a long day.
After about an hour and half of continous browsing i had become thoroughly bored constantly reading and seeing the same album pictures and titles, I took out my phone and attached my headphones and began to listen to a random band that Paige had put onto it. As I was choosing, something hit my back sending my phone flying through the air and landing on the floor with a sound thud.
“I swear if it’s one of those fans…”
As I began to walk over to pick up my phone, a guy in a hoodie with the hood pulled up lunged down to pick it up. Preparing myself to walk up and say thanks to a complete stranger without seeming timid, you turned around and I was taken back, old and new emotions all mixing into one. The Ed Sheeran had bumped into me and at this time there was nothing i wanted more than to be swallowed by the ground whole. Then became the interrogation with those magical blue orbs taking in my face and eyes and fiery ginger hair sticking at every angle mesmerising me, refusing the urge to gently run my fingers through it, you spoke
“Beki ?”
“shit.”
The only words I uttered until I was unable to say anything, in shock from the moment I had been dreading but also secretly hoping for happening right in front of my eyes. Your face once just a vague smile thinking I was another fan, had transformed into a face of memories, anger, pain and finally sadness washing over his face. I gently removed my phone from his hands and seeing a staff exit into a quiet secluded area, I began to run. I’d do anything to get away from the look of gut wrenching sadness on eds face. So I ran and ran.
