The Delivery Boy(boyxboy)

Chapter 7: Splattered Ink and Unfathomable Stars.

                 

Ah look at all the lonely people
Ah look at all the lonely people

Eleanor Rigby, picks up the rice
In the church where a wedding has been
Lives in a dream
Waits at the window, wearing the face
That she keeps in a jar by the door
Who is it for

All the lonely people
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people
Where do they all belong?

-

Axel

The sky was an inky shade of grey- dark colors splattered around like paint. It grew darker, painted blue on grey, deeper and deeper into the shades of the evening.

I felt my stomach churn as I stared at the puffs of clouds passing by, an infinity of something I didn't know how to name.

I wondered whether the sky went on forever. It seemed to be that way- an eternity of shades of reflected blue, of hopeless dreams and of lost souls. I wondered what lay on the other side- the hundreds of billions of undiscovered galaxies, unimaginable universes, unfathomable stars.

It astounded me to think that indeed- there was an endless list of possibilities, not fictional, but real, out there, existing right at this moment. There was so much more out there than the world I knew. There was so much more out there than the huge city that suffocated me, so much more than the thoughts which plagued my head.

There was so much more out there- than me. I was just like everyone else. A tiny speck of a human being who lived his life believing it was of some value.

I looked at the sky and I felt the weight of my own insignificance bear on me so heavily, I felt like I didn't exist at all. For a moment, I felt invisible. As if someone would touch me and their hand would go right through, as if somehow I had become so unimportant that my existence no longer held any meaning.

The feeling made me want to tear my skin off.

I heard the shrill ringing of a phone and the vibration in my pocket alerted me, breaking me out of my hazy trance. I noticed a few people were staring at me, their curious gazes making me feel uncomfortable. I didn't feel like they were staring at me. I felt like I didn't exist, as if they were staring right through me. The feeling was back again- the indescribable anger, the unimaginable pain, the feeling of nothingness.

My knuckles ached as I held the phone tightly, the bruises as fresh as the scent of the boy who smelt like Rose Maries. They were still bleeding a little, blood splattered on them in the tiniest droplets, the stinging pain reminding me of my own pathetic reality- I was invisible, but I existed as well. I realized I was a terrible mixture of both, I was half here, but I was half there.

I didn't know where there was. All I knew was that I didn't like either place.

"Hello," I answered, picking up the phone after viewing Brooke's caller I.D. I didn't feel like talking to anyone, because even my voice had begun to sound like it wasn't quite mine- but I didn't want to disappoint Brooke. She was the only person in the world who saw me as something that wasn't so invisible, and she was the only person in the world I didn't want to disappoint.

"Hi," She whispered. I sighed and slumped against the side walk, checking the time to see when I would have to go back inside again.

I didn't want to go back into that suffocating room again. The walls were painted with the colors of my past and no matter how hard I tried, they wouldn't come off. My past was something that had slowly become part of me- it had seeped its way into my bone marrow, and it had begun to beat inside of me like a second heartbeat.