Sanity // s.m. [IN EDITING]

[19]

Shawn

***

Sarah and I sat in silence.

We had arrived early for her appointment. The place was busy, people rushing all around us to get inside and be treated as soon as possible. I had only ever been to an ER, when I had my anxiety attack, which was a lot more hectic than this-- if I'm remembering correctly.

The place smelt like clorox wipes and newly washed sheets. Women came in through the door in labor or about to be there-- but Sarah sat quietly, next to me, her hand in mine. Her other hand, as I'd noticed, was on her stomach, grazing over the little baby bump that was beginning to form. It was barely there, but it was there.

Her platinum blonde hair was nearly pulled back into a ponytail, loose strands falling in front of her ears and shaping her face. She looked tired, too.

I couldn't help but let my eyes trail downwards, towards her stomach. This was the first time I'd actually gotten a chance to see it. It was extremely difficult to comprehend the fact that she was bearing my child.

I look at the way her skin had moved beneath her tight, creamy-white cotton top. I saw her stomach bare yesterday, but only a glance, when I walked into her apartment and saw her gently rubbing lotion over it.

But I could have a look, now. I was about to have another one, when the nurse would call her name, and they would bring her in to lye down on the warm hospital bed to take an ultrasound picture from the sonogram, and I would sit beside the bed, holding her hand in mine still.

My anxious smile wouldn't fade as I wait for results. I would fidget, as I always do when I'm nervous-- like I did at my first show.

This was it.

I was either going to be the father of a baby boy, or a baby girl.

Either way, I was going to be a dad. And I was about to find out exactly what that means.

"Are you nervous?" I mutter under my breath to Sarah.

She almost didn't realize I was talking to her, so she took a while to reply. She clears her throat and says, "yes."

"It's only been a little over two months... has it really been that long?"

"I know, time is flying by so fast. I didn't even know they could tell the sex of the baby this early. I don't know at all what I'm doing, I've never had a baby before," she widens her eyes in distress, squeezing my hand slightly. "I'm so nervous."

"They don't do anything that can hurt you," I assure her.

She gives me a strange look. "How do you know?"

I think for a moment, my exhausted eyes closing for a single second as I reach into my back pocket, pulling out my cell phone and typing in my password.

"Shawn?"

"I'll show you," I say, laughing. I open up facebook, the app that, in my opinion, is total shit-- but I only keep it to stay in touch with my mum since she tags me in a bunch of stuff.

I go onto Mum's page, scrolling through the photos on her album called, "Family 2003."

Finally I spot the picture I was looking for, and I hand the phone over to Sarah so she could see.