Sanity // s.m. [IN EDITING]

[29]

Shawn

***

I don't exactly know why I'm here.

I should've just gone back to Sarah's, re-packed my belongings, headed for the airport, and flew away to-- well, anywhere in the world but here.

While sitting on a wobbly stool in the back of an ambulance, Sarah laid on the metallic red pram squeezing my hand, and I looked at her, and I felt nothing.

I thought I should've hated her because of what she did to me. But I didn't-- and I didn't love or forgive her either. I felt nothing.

Because the truth is, getting mad wouldn't make sense in this scenario. I did the same thing to her. Fact is, it doesn't bother me as much as probably does her.

And it's not like either of us want to work on this and see if we can fix everything. This relationship was pretty much dead from the start.

Sarah was a rebound. There, okay? I admit it.

She avoided my gaze. She just cried and grunted in pain, and I let her squeeze my hand as I simply sat there silently.

By the time we arrived at the hospital, my phone was going off like crazy. I hadn't gotten a moment to check it yet, but I knew it was probably Mum.

After the paramedics unloaded Sarah, I hopped out behind them, thinking little about nothing at all.

As my face came into contact with the cool air, the day waning over the skyline, I was just in time to catch a slick black SUV speeding into the parking lot, diagonally placing into a parking space near the door before screeching on the brakes.

Two dark headed girls jumped out of the car on either side, and two males from the backseat.

"Shawn!" Elle races towards me, her hair flying over her face and sticking to her cherry red lipgloss like honey over your fingers.

Without even removing my gaze from the hospital door, my vision blurring on the bright red words buzzing light around the bleak darkness, I outstretch my arms and go gladly to her embrace.

She smelled lovely. Her hint of floral fragrance hit my senses immediately, blending to perfection with the pink grapefruit of her shampoo. I wished I didn't have to deal with anything or anyone else except for her-- and I suddenly dreaded pulling away and letting go of her small body.

"I called your mother," she whispers over my shoulder. "I didn't tell her everything, so you should probably call her."

"Not now."

I squeeze my eyes shut before willing a release from her tight embrace. I could at last see her eyes. She looked nice. She looked beautiful. She looked familiar.

She walks beside me as we make our way up the sidewalk and through the double doors, all without saying a word.

We beat the paparazzi by a few seconds.

***

I don't know why I'm here, I really don't.

I kind of wanted to have a chance to speak to Sarah, to explain to her the things that she deserves to know, which I've been keeping in the dark.

But I didn't know when I'd catch a moment with her, because currently, she was going through contraction after contraction in the dilation room. And I know I don't have a uterus or anything, but I think it's safe to say that it's not exactly delightful to engage in deep conversation while experiencing that.

Part of me just wanted to leave. I knew it would be as simple as slicing bread, for me anyways. All I had to do was snap my fingers, and bam. There'd be a limo waiting for me out front, with a tip-anticipating driver who's willing to take me anyplace I can name.