The Story of Us (An O2L / Kian Lawley Fanfiction)

Chapter 31 - Stupid

I'm a bitch. I'm a horrible human being.

I deserve this pain. I deserve this heartache.

I know what I did was completely wrong, but for some reason I still did it. I regret it more than anything.

I kissed Ryder, my ex boyfriend, while my current boyfriend trusted me and waited in the other room. I kissed him!

Who does that? Who could do something so low and terrible and just plain mean?

Oh that's right, me.

I did it. I kissed Ryder. He didn't kiss me. Yes, he kissed back, but I'm the reason the kiss even happened.

Therefore, this is completely, one-hundred percent my fault. No one else is to blame for this except me.

No words can describe how I feel about this.

Here I was, trying to figure out if I really love Kian or not, and then I just throw everything out the window and watch as it shatters to the ground. I just don't understand how I did this.

But I did.

No matter how many times I replay that day in my mind, I still can't get a grip on what I could possibly have been thinking when I kissed him. Why did I think it was okay for me just to kiss someone that wasn't Kian, regardless of who it was. Just because me and Ryder were once together does not make it okay for me to kiss him! Especially since I've moved on and started dating someone else.

The one thing I remember more vividly than anything about that day, is the way Kian looked at me.

His eyes were so full of hurt, anger, and betrayal. I can't even blink without seeing his eyes, his face, his tears.

I knew he had been cheated on before, and when I found out I couldn't understand how someone could do that to him, or anyone really. But here I am, three days after I kissed my ex boyfriend. I did what I vowed I would never do.

He didn't give me a chance to explain, but honestly, I wouldn't have either. I don't deserve a chance to explain.

Over the past few days, I have been so close to calling him, or even texting him, but I don't. In the end I decide that I can't hurt him anymore by trying to explain.

And truthfully, I don't have a good explanation, so why should I waste his time? I don't have a good reason for what I did.

And by calling him I could only do worse and possibly hurt him even more, and he definitely doesn't deserve that.

Why the hell did I have to be so stupid and careless?

Not only did I hurt Kian, but I hurt Ryder, too.

He came back, thinking I was still single. And I didn't really indicate that I wasn't when we spent the morning together. He came back thinking I was still completely in love with him and that I would go right back to him, which he realized later that I did in fact have a boyfriend.

I should have just told him as soon as I saw him that I had a boyfriend and that I had moved on from him. All of this shit could have been avoided.

But for some reason, when I saw Ryder, all reasonable thoughts left my mind.

And then I ruined everything.

I really can't believe myself.

*****

As noon rolls around, I decide its finally time for me to get up out if bed and do something productive with my life. Even though I don't deserve it.

I don't deserve happiness.

Yesterday my dad came in and tried to get my to do something, but I just couldn't. He didn't know everything, but he knew something was wrong so he left me alone.

I slowly drag myself to the shower and begin to try to wash away all of my stress, but who am I kidding? I don't deserve to have this off of my shoulders. The warm water does feel nice though.

After I'm all clean, I step out and decide on wearing a pair of jean shorts and a solid pink t-shirt with a yellow, polka-dotted pocket over my left breast. I grab my purse and put on some flip flops and walk out the door or my bedroom, not even bothering with putting on makeup or fixing my hair.

I walk downstairs, grabbing a glass of milk and a piece of toast to eat so my hunger doesn't completely consume me. After I've quickly scarfed it, my stomach grumbles loudly, and I finally realize how long it's been since I ate a real meal.

Since the day I kissed Ryder, three days ago, I have only had small amounts of food. I've not had a full meal since that morning.

I can't eat though. If I eat much, I'll just throw it right back up. I don't know why, but I honestly don't care.

I leave the house, locking the door behind me as I walk down to a small strip mall. I walk all the way there, which takes about twenty minutes, but its nice to feel the sun against my skin. I begin wandering in and out of a few botiques, seeing some cute things but not really bothering to buy any of them.

Just as I'm about to leave the third store I entered, I come across the last person I want to see.

"Hi, Maddie! Are you okay? You look like you haven't slept in days!" The brunette devil says with obvious mock-interest. She doesn't give a flying fuck about me, I mean, she caused this whole shit storm.

No, that's wrong. I caused this. This is all my fault. Yeah, she invited Ryder, but she didn't make me kiss him. No, I did that all on my own.

This fact, though, doesn't make me hate her any less, not does it make me want to rip her throat out any less.

"Yes, Emily, I'm perfectly alright," I lie, pushing past her without even giving her another glance.

"Don't lie, Maddie," Emily teases, grabbing my arm with her tiny evil hands.

"Okay, Emily. I'm not okay," I turn back to her, giving her a nasty look. "I kissed my ex boyfriend! I cheated on Kian! So now I guess I'm just as terrible as you!"

I didn't mean to blow up at her, but I don't regret it as I yank my arm away from her and leave the store as quickly as possible, trying to get away from the she-devil.

I don't even look back as I begin to walk home, not even knowing what to do next.

As I get about five minutes from home, I get to the four way that, if I turn right, will lead me to my house. I turn down it, thoughts racing through my head about what would happen if I turned left. I know where it will take me. I know exactly who lives down that direction.

Then I do something stupid.

I stop dead in my tracks and do a one-eighty, walking in the complete opposite direction of my road.

I walk all the way down the sidewalk again, crossing the road at the four-way.

At first I don't understand what I'm doing, but finally I get a grip on myself. I have to do this. I'm not turning back.

I keep on walking, turning right at the next block, and walking along a sidewalk again before walking straight up to the house and knocking on the door to Kian's house.

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Ah...sorry. Short chapter. I hate writing short chapters because y'all complain about it and I want y'all to like it, but I seriously had so much trouble writing this. I wrote it three times and now I'm only half okay with it. Anyway, I hope you like this at least somewhat.

Recently, I've been having confidence issues with my writing, so I'm sorry if I'm sounding really negative.

Amyway, thanks for the nice comments if you're one of the people who left me one. That's what helped me write this.

So vote and comment maybe?

Do y'all want me to do Kian's POV for the next chapter?

xox -Delilah