Figured this would be a good one to cover since its #NEDAwareness week. Probably will be posting the other ED related ones this weekend.
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Models. Emaciated girls. Upper middle class brats. That's what people think of when they think of when they hear about eating disorders. Mainly anorexia. They think it's glamorous. They think these girls have everything they want and are extremely happy.
Well, we aren't. We're cold. Lonely. Hungry. Sick. Our hair is falling out. Our bones are fragile. We pass out easily. Nothing about this is glamorous.
I was at one of the family skates with Sid, all bundled up because it was freezing in the rink. Everyone knew, and I hated being around the little girls. I didn't want them to look up to me and want to be me. No, I wanted them to grow up to be their moms or professional hockey players. I want them to be happy. That certainly wasn't me.
Everything was great until I started feeling dizzy. I held Sidney's hand tighter, not wanting to fall. I couldn't tell him because he would make me eat and sit out. All they had were fattening, calorie packed finger foods. There was vegetables but the ranch dip was too tempting. I was in control. Total control.
And then I was falling onto the ice. I didn't know how long I was out, but I'm sure it was a big scene. The wives brought the kids into the locker room as they waited for the trainers to check me out. Inevitably, they brought an ambulance and I was shipped off to the hospital.
I woke up with a feeding tube down my nose and IV's in my arms. My leg was wet where Sidney was laying his head. I put one hand to my mouth, trying not to cry, and the other I ran through his hair. I can't believe I put him through this.
"You're awake." He looked up at me with tear stained cheeks and red eyes. "Oh my God, I'm so happy you're awake."
The two of us were bawling, "I'm so, so sorry."
"They said you'll die without treatment. Please, please go. I'll take time off-"
"Sidney, no. I'll go to treatment but you won't take time off from hockey. It's halfway through the season."
"I'd do it if you had cancer, I'll move us to wherever the best place is to get you the help you need."
He said this now, but he didn't know this disease was going to tear us apart three months into my hospital stay.
