Some will be longer, some will be shorter. All of them may be triggering. Get the help you need, lovelies. A lot of people care about you.
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Being in the spotlight was never my thing. I was the smart, quiet girl in the back of the room. So when Jonathan Toews came to the table that my friends and I were sitting at, I didn't think he wanted to talk to the girl in the middle with glasses and long brown hair, sipping on a lemon drop.
The girl who always had the answers in class, but refused to raise her hand. The one that thought she would die if she got anything less than a B+ on her assignments. I had panic attacks "for the hell of it" people would say.
If only that was true.
I opened up to him, telling him that I wouldn't hold his hand on the first date because my palms were clammy, that I couldn't meet all of the girlfriends because I'm not like them, that I hated being in public with him because of everyone staring.
All he did was smile and kiss my forehead. "You know I like you anyway."
I tried going to a game. Abby Sharp took me under her wing, saying that her good friend has really bad anxiety and she knew how to handle it. I just couldn't. There was too much going on. Too many people. The arena was too loud. The tightness in my chest wouldn't go away, so I ran for the bathroom. It took four of the other girlfriends and wives to get me out. The only reason that I came out was Abby had my emergency anxiety medication.
That was the last time I went to a game.
"Babe, it's game six. We could win this here in Chicago and then you wouldn't have to get on a plane. I want you to be there with me." He looked at me with big puppy dog eyes, just begging me to go.
I took a deep breath, closing my eyes. Immediately, everything that could go wrong ran through my head. Mass shootings and things like that. I knew that I needed to get over this crippling fear, but I didn't want to do it at a hockey game.
"Yeah. Yeah, I'll go. I um. I'll just-"
"Bring anything you need. You can always play with the kids." He kissed my forehead and started to get ready for bed.
I was there, they won the Cup, and for a few split seconds, when he told me he loved me and kissed me under Stanley, I didn't think about the bad that could happen. I just thought about all the good that was going to happen with him.
Then I was with him on the parade. All of Chicago was on the streets. It was scary. I thought I could handle it.
I sat down, put my head between my knees, and breathing deeply. It wasn't working, so I sat down on the floor of the double-decker bus we were on and started bawling. Jonathan was the first to notice.
"Baby, what's wrong? Are you okay?"
I couldn't talk, the words wouldn't come out. There were dark spots with my eyes. This was it, this was how I was going to die.
I blocked out most of what happened. I just remember that Jonathan's jersey was soaked with my tears and I woke up in a hospital bed, all groggy. My boyfriend was asleep on my lap and I tried not to shake as I started to cry again.
"You're awake. They just gave you some sedatives to make sure you would be okay. You had a pretty big breakdown."
"I'm so sorry Jonathan. I wouldn't want to date a girl like me. Someone who can't watch your games or go out with you to celebrate any big wins. I'm sorry. You deserve better."
"No, no. I'm staying with you. We will work through this together and one day you will be able to come to games and be in big groups. I'm not leaving you." His voice was gentle, eyes filled with concern. I didn't know how long I was out, just happy that Jonathan was so understanding about this.
