Only Your Touch

Chapter Three

I don't know how many times I've tried to call Vic's number. I always hang up as soon as I hear his voice on the other line. And the reason I'm calling? It's because my nightmare has been happening over and over. Every thirty minutes, I would wake up in a cold sweat and have to run into the shower to wash myself. So here I was, currently naked and wet from taking another shower and holding Vic's card still inside the baggie. I didn't need it anymore. I had practically memorized it. I pressed the call button. I couldn't hang up this time.

"Hello?" I stayed quiet as his groggy voice came through. I contemplated hanging up again. I heard him breathe in deeply. I found myself relaxing. "Listen, you've been calling over and over and I don't know what your problem is but I've got work in the morning. So unless you have something interesting to sa-"

"I can't sleep." There was a long period of silence. I heard him shifting.

"Kellin?" I tensed as he recognized my voice. I swallowed my nervousness.

"Yes?"

"What's wrong?" I'm glad he ignored the fact that this is probably the fiftieth call. I pulled my covers over my body.

"I keep having this dream that wakes me up....I just needed some comfort and since I don't have friends I thought...." I stopped talking.

"Do you want me to come over?"

"No!" I shouted into my phone. I didn't mean it. Just the thought of someone that I didn't know of their cleaning habits were to walk into my house. "No one has been in my house since I moved out on my own." He cleared his throat.

"Then, what is the dream about?"

"Well, it's more like a nightmare. But when I wake up, I can't remember anything. I just know my body feels dirty and I have to wash it away and when I scrub I feel these hands that just remind me of how dirty the dream was and I scrub harder and harder but I don't feel clean anymore." I knew I was rambling. I just felt like getting everything out in the open. And Vic seemed nice enough to talk to. He knew that I was in need of help and he was completely willing.

"Are you a virgin, Kellin?" He asked so calmly.

"What?"

"Have you had sex in your life?" I stayed quiet for a long time. I didn't know if I wanted to answer this. During that time, I switched my phone to the speaker and placed it onto the pillow next to my head.

"Yes."

"And I'm guessing that was before you started becoming afraid of germs since that's last thing on your list is sex. So you had sex young." I was just staring at the phone. I didn't think he wanted me to answer. He was just stating his thoughts out loud. "Was it a family member?"

"What?!"

"So it was."

"No! It wasn't!" I was fuming. Why would he say something like that?

"Then why are you so defensive about it?"

"Because that's my fucking family! You don't say that about them."

"Mother? Brother? Sister? Fath-"

"Shut the fuck up!" There was another long silence. I was trying to contain my anger. I couldn't believe he would say that.

"Tell me about your dad, Kellin." I decided to get in a more comfortable position. I was still laying on my side but I brought my knees up and wrapped my arms around them.

"I don't know my dad. He left when I was two."

"Did your mom remarry?" I didn't answer. "I'm taking the silence as a 'yes'. And what he was like?"

"He was nice and he did nothing to me!"

"So you don't remember him being overly friendly? Maybe his hand resting too long on your shoulder? Or a hug lasting a little more than normal?" I shook my head in disbelief at these questions. "Did any of your friends make or ask those same assumptions?" That made my blood run cold.

"Please...."

"Please what, Kellin?" I had to choke down a sob.

"Stop talking about him that way." I could hear Vic sigh very softly.

"Why don't you talk to your family anymore?"

"Because I'm scared."

"Scared of what?" I shook my head before realizing he couldn't see me.

"I don't know. I can't remember." I had started to cry.

"Please don't cry, Kell." I couldn't help but get this warm tingling sensation at the nickname. I don't remember the last time someone just called me something other than Kellin or Mr. Quinn. "You can remember. We just have to find your block."

"And what if we don't? What if I'm stuck this way and I can never be normal? I can never get a boyfriend. I can never hold hands or kiss because my mind convinces me that he's somehow dirty. I can't make friends. I can't do anything!"

"What did you think when we met?" Vic asked. He sounded kind of shy. I remembered back. "And I mean honestly. Saying everything you thought in that moment." I felt my cheeks begin to burn.

"What did you think of me? Honestly." I turned the question on him immediately. He answered within a couple seconds.

"I thought you were attractive." I breathed in. He continued. "You have these wonderful blue eyes that clash against your dark hair. And your skin looks like porcelain. So smooth and pale. You had that stupid suit that did everything to outline your thin body. Then your gloves made me wonder what your baggage was. The irritation of the skin at the collar of your shirt. It was when my dad grabbed the planner that I guessed pretty spot on what you worry about. And I found it absolutely endearing." I had to force myself to breathe. I had been holding my breath. I thought nobody thought that way about me.

"Why?" I was referring to why my habits became endearing.

"I don't know. There was just something cute about the way you worry. You purse your lips in thought and your hands will continue to keep moving." I didn't even notice I do those things. "So, what about me?"

"I thought you had a lot of your father's traits. But so much softer. You had these swirly brown eyes but now that I think about it, there's some gold in there too. With these dark eyelashes. And this beautiful brown hair that falls onto your br- shoulders." I didn't want to bring up the fact that I was looking at his physical qualities. "You were always smiling too. But it was more like a smirk. Like you always found everything only slightly amusing. And you were wearing those stupid clothes that didn't match in the slightest with those ridiculous shoes. You're stupidly nice. I just....you're difficult." I groaned in frustration by the end. I didn't want to admit forwardly that I found him attractive. He laughed his stupid laugh. "What?!" I snapped.

"I just shouldn't want to kiss you as much as I do." I didn't respond. I couldn't. I was frozen. "And I probably shouldn't have said that to someone I want to help and not seduce. I should go."

"No, please!" I desperately grabbed for my phone. I turned it off speaker and put it to my ear. "Please. The nightmare might come back. Please don't leave me alone." I could feel him thinking.

"We both need some sleep, Kellin."

"Then fall asleep on the phone with me. Please. I just can't take the silence right now."

"Okay, Kell." We didn't do anymore talking after that. I just listened to him breathing and his small little snores that would slip out. I gripped a pillow I had curled up to. I set the phone above my head, on speaker, so I wouldn't knock it over.

Then I fell asleep with Vic.