Damaged

Chapter Twelve

“Grief is not as heavy as guilt, but it takes more away from you.” - Veronica Roth

DANTE

I knew before Anna opened the door what she'd find beyond it. By the time I got to the top of the stairs, it was too late. Kicking and screaming I dragged her down stairs and out of the house, the image of Stuart's limp, swinging body tattooed behind my eyes. At first I didn't know what to do, all I could see was Stuart's body. And then, my brain kicked into gear. I called for an ambulance and police, puzzled as to where the Hell Stuart's family was. Did he live alone in this big house? As I trolled through every room while Anna cried outside, hitting me back anytime I went near, I realised, Stuart was the only one who occupied that house. By the time the services had arrived and found the body upstairs, I'd found the suicide note on a diary with Anna's name printed on it. I gave it to the police when they asked, and slowly I went downstairs to be with Anna. With the adults involved, everything became very real. Everything became very scary. 

Stuart died five days ago. 

Anna found him four days ago. 

Three days ago it was confirmed as suicide. 

Two days ago, they released his body. 

Yesterday, everyone found out. 

Today, is Stuart Collins' funeral. 

Anna is supposed to be reading a speech she'd written last night. But as I look to the girl in the seat beside me, I know that's not going to happen. Her dark roots are creeping in at the tops of her blonde hair, pulled back in a tight bobble. Her face is wet with tears, pale and simple without makeup. Her hands are shaking, her eyes unblinking, unseeing as they cry the tears for our lost friend. Anna knew Stuart better than us all put together. She may have only known him a couple weeks, but she knew him better than us all. "Now I'd like to ask Anna forward to say a few words, please." The vicar's words make Anna blink rapidly and shake her head, whimpering. "I can't, I can't." She cries to me, staring at the one spot in front of her. The church is silent as I accept the piece of paper Anna thrusts into my hand. I clear my throat and walk up the steps to the podium overlooking the sea of empty seats, merely twenty of them full. 

"Anna would like me to read her speech on her behalf..." I explain into the microphone as I unfold the paper. I clear my throat and take a deep breath before beginning,  "Stuart and I, well, I hadn't known him for long, in fact, I don't have the pleasure in saying that I've known him for years, months even, because we'd only started speaking a few weeks ago. But I do have the pleasure in telling you all today that I knew Stuart, better than anyone else. We understood each other in ways no one else could, shared similarities that no one else could, knew things about each other that no one else did.  Stuart was a damaged soul, but now he has what he longed for all along, now he can be free. I'm a damaged soul too, but Stuart taught me to be strong, to be brave and have courage, to stand tall and trust no one but yourself, to fight for what you believe in, for what you think is right and for yourself, because in a world this evil, no one else will fight for you. He made me believe that in a world so full of evil and hatred, that there are people out there with big hearts, good intentions and love. Stuart will always be a special part of my life because he believed in me without even knowing me, he knew who I was before I did, and he taught me more about life, and death, than I ever could have imagined. So thank you Stuart, for being the bestest friend, that you ever could have been, and wherever you are right now, please find happiness, and remember that I will never forget you, or the things you taught me..." I brush a tear under my cheek and clear my throat, sniffs and coughs from everyone in the church echoing throughout the vast space. "I would now like to read you the note Stuart left for me, in a message for us all," I know this part off by heart from reading the original copy so many times. I remember that by the hundredth time, I'd folded and unfolded the paper so much; the words along the folds were unreadable. "Anna, I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for being so selfish and leaving you in this world. But you will not be alone, for you have those who love you, as do many others in the world. But I am very much on my own. Please remember Anna that the word 'friend' ends with 'end', telling us that all good things must come to an end. The word 'family' ends with 'ily' standing for 'I love you' telling us that blood is thicker than water. Please, don't spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder; you're not going that way. Be inspired by the past, don't work with it. You can choose your friends, my Anna, but you cannot choose your family. I will love you beyond infinity, sweetdreams Angel, and I'll see you once again, when fate decides to bring you."