What I Hate About Wattpad

Section One

*1

This POV stuff. Either write in first person, or learn to write in third person, not a double-sided mirror telling two perspectives. Seriously, it's gotten to the point where if I see the three letters "POV" on a page, I use my laser eyes to burn the screen. (Or I just click to a different story.)

If you are going to change perspectives, do it sparingly. And don’t make the guy character sound like the girl.

*2

WHEN THERE ARE NO CAPS IN THE TITLES! (Or when everything is in caps.) You seriously expect readers to read your story when you can’t even get your TITLE right? I will say this once and for all, folks. The only words you don’t capitalize in titles are prepositions. Get it? Got it? Good.

*3

A HUGE blank in the page. Uh . . . what’s the white space for? I mean, it’s fine adding a little more space between paragraphs to show the time elapse, but you seriously don’t need to skip 49 lines. You’re just tiring my fingers, making me scroll down so much.

*4

Grab a book, right now. Do it. Open it, and tell me, do you see dialogue with single quotation marks (‘), or stars (*)?

You see NEITHER because writers use something called quotation marks (“)! The only time you use the single quotes is when a character is speaking as another character.

Jack scratched his head and said, “And then Bobby was like, ‘Oh my God, dude! Your baby is on fire!’ But he was just talking about my car.”

*5

When the first line sucks donkey ass.

Yeah, I would totally love to read your story. 'Cause first sentence has punctuation errors, spelling mistakes, and the first word isn’t capitalized. ‘Cause you know, all the mistakes totally showed that you put a lot of effort into your story. There also totally wouldn’t be other horrendous errors that will blind my eyes. I think your writing will seriously rock dude, like seriously.

Basically, the first paragraph is a make it or break it deal, and if you can’t even write your first sentence correctly . . . then you need to go move back to Sesame St.

*6

Hey, let’s write in BOLD! Oh yeah, I’m lovin’ this! So dark and sexy, I can see the words just so nicely and clearly. Ooh yeah this bold is the exact thing I need to spice up my writing. Oooh yeah. So black, so bold. Mmm, yummy.

                *record scratch*

Um. No. You know what reading in bold is like? Reading blue text (for the whole story), which is really annoying. Or reading red, which is harder on the eyes. Or reading something that’s kind of like reading in ALL CAPS, where you’re shouting the words. See? It’s annoying.

You know why authors don’t publish stories in fancy text? Because it’s not easy for readers to read. It’s as simple as that. Don’t write everything in bold.

 

*7

…………. Uh …………….. Wait what……………? What do you mean I’m writing weird ……………? Huh? I’m not doing anything weird. See? Oh! You mean these …………..? Those little dots? ………. Well yeah, I use it to show that there’s a long pause …………. Wait, you mean there’s no such thing as “…………….”? You mean to say that only three dots are fine…………………………………………………………………………………………………………..?

No way! I never knew that! So they’re called ellipsis and have only three dots . . .? Oh, and sometimes four depending on the context. . . . Cool, I’ll keep that in mind while I write!

*8

                *clicks open the story First a Vampire, Second Powers, And Third Being Dragged To Hell By Five Hot Guys! What the Hell?*

I wonder what this story is about (LOTS of sarcasm intended). Do not have such a degraded title that gives away the whole story as that. No real books have that kind of title. NONE.

*9

Do not not use paragraphs! No one, I repeat, no one wants to read a hugegantic chunk of writing that has no breaks. Do you know how long the reader’s attention span will be, once she sees your story? Less than a motorcycle-riding ADD squirrel whose average meal is cotton candy with Monster and best friend is Scrat from Ice Age because Scrat is the homie. (But not Alvin or Simon because they’re singing chipmunks, and that’s just a preposterous thing to believe in. But Theodore’s still cool because his cheeks make up for it.)

Use paragraphs when writing.

*10

When people compliment the CRAPPIEST OF THE CRAPPYER OF THE CRAPPY FROM CRAPPY LAND stories! Did I mention the author’s writing is as crappy as a used hundred year old scooter ridden through the Himalayas, ran over by war tanks, and dropped from Earth’s most outer atmosphere? To become more clear, the crappiness of the story would be most of everything I and others have and will rant about, all combined in that one story.

And the comments are the ones you make for something actually decent and legible, such as: Nice!, This story is bombbbbb!, That was good!, and the mothertrucker – Upload more!

                *lets out King Kong roar*

You seriously would want MORE writing like this? Plaguing innocent minds? And terrorizing Wattpad? Not cool, man.