Poems

Calm

You know what calms me when I'm thinking way too much?

The loud music blasting through my headphones silencing the voices screaming at me.

The pouring rain falling onto my roof top making it sound like music to my ears.

The blood that drips down my arm and legs.

Nothing keeps them quiet unless i give in and cut once again.

I could blast the music to the point i lose hearing but will still hear them in my head the music only quiets them for awhile.

They stop to listen to the rain humming along but it doesn't rain a lot so they don't have music.

But the blood once they see I'm thinking about giving in they yell "DO IT! NOW!" once they see it they smile and say "You are weak you can't make it any farther" but i give up and continue this everyday.

I give a little but soon silence them with the sound of my own music blasting through the headphones.

I give them the next thing that is rain i give them the sound of my sobs and tears falling.

They hum and laugh at it enjoying every bit of tear they made me shed.

Because no matter how much i smile and laugh all day.

The ending will always be with tears falling heart aching .

I can't escape them no matter how happy you want me to be.

My demons will always be apart of me waiting and waiting till the day I lose it and give in 100%.

Not just screaming pulling at the root of my hair or scratching my legs arms shaking crying out for anyone to save me.

But when I pull out the razor and cut and cut till there is no spot on my arm left to cut blood running down my arms legs stomach.

Because i have grown disgusted with the thing that stares back at me in the mirror.

It's not a monster it's more like a stranger I don't know who this person is never seen her.

Next to her i can see a girl crying with blood on her beautiful body so small and innocent.

Being tortured by this person I've never met.

The longer i look the more i realize the girl crying is me.

The girl smiling is me.

The girl covered in blood tears running down her face is me.

The innocent girl is me it's the girl i was she was happy all the time didn't give a care in the world.

She made other people laugh smile and feel better when she smiled it was beautiful it meant she was happy it wasn't fake.

The girl smiling is who i was made into the girl who was laughed at for being a little over weight for not having perfect hair.

She cries herself to sleep everyday hides away so she won't be judged she's smiling because she finally lost it she's giving up and going to the other side.

But the girl who is looking at both of them is crying covered in blood she's scared she is the one who is scared of everything she rather see people happy her smile is fake she's numb.

She doesn't want to give up because of all the people who would be sad and she doesn't them to be sad.

She doesn't want the innocent girl to die she deserves to live a happy life.

So now she's stuck.

Stuck where?

Well she's stuck in this circle where she so close to dying killing herself ending it all caring less if the girl begged for her life.

Stuck between not giving up living life trying to get better no matter how much the girl in pain begged for it to all end.

Between does she want to get better or end it all.

Could people careless or care more?

So she just get's in the shower and sit under the shower holding her knees crying rocking back and forth washing off the blood ignoring the stings.