When we are a child, most of us expect that perfect fairytale way of living. Of course we all have those tough decisions and those hard times, but we never let go of that perfect life. When we are kids we think the swirling of to different colors of play-doh is the end of the world. When we grow up into our adolescent years, we realize life is more difficult then we thought. Play-doh turns into school work, stress, relationships, and for some of us, worse than that.
"Hi, I'm Alixx. I'm 15 years old and I'm here because I have attempted suicide three times due to bullying, divorce and death of a very close friend." Here I am in a support group that I don't want to be in, but my mom forced me to go. Sitting in a circle and telling complete strangers your problems doesn't make sense to me, as if they'd care anyways. All of the people look like they want to kill whoever speaks. I don't understand how this is supposed to help someone who is suicidal. But according to this dude "About 75 percent of the people who come into the program no longer have the suicidal thoughts or self harms, and 10 percent rarely have the problems." Psht. Yeah... Riiight.
After about an hour and a half of going around in the circle and hearing people ramble on and on about their problems, as if it will help, we are finally dismissed. Except I got called after the session for the counselor to ask how it was,
"So what'd you think? Alixx is your name right?" The bulk, bald a man asked. As much as I didn't want to talk, something about him got me to talk. Was it his smile? The softness in his voice? The care in his eyes? I didn't know but I answered as if I didn't give a crap.
"Eh. I know it's not going to help me, I've been to enough of these programs." I replied with a negative attitude.
"Well that's too bad. I hope you will stay and at least try to make it work." The man responded. Knowing that it wouldn't work, I just smiled and left without answering. I walked to the car and got in the passenger seat and left. Mom is now yapping in my ear and wont stop talking and asking questions.
"How was it? Do you think it'll work? Were the people nice? Do you feel any different?" My mom asked kind of intriguingly; she sounded really interested and was hoping for more then my normal "Good, no, I dont care, nope." answers. I was just sitting there pretending like I was listening. I answered nothing. I just slumped in my seat, looking out the windshield, knees up to my chest, feet on the dash, occasionally looking at my mom and nodding or shaking my head. After five minutes of that we finally pulled up in my driveway. I opened the car door and went into my house, tried to run to my room but my mom stopped me before I could.
"Hold on there Alixx, before you go to your room, I have a surprise for you." As she said that, someone walked around the corner and into my sight. I gasped.
"D-dad?" I said starting to cry. I haven't seen him in three years, we were always close. I was his dolphin, he was my giraffe. I've always had an obsession with dolphins and he's really tall. I ran to him and embraced him in a bear hug, and cried into his shoulder.
"Yeah baby?" He said tearing up himself, his voice had every sign of care and sorrow
"I miss you Daddy." I said sniffling and looking up at this tall man, my hero, my dad.
"I miss you too my little dolphin." He said looking down, into my tear filled, sparkling blue eyes. I can't remember the last time I was this happy, no, I'm not happy. I'm ecstatic, stoked, excited. I squeezed him into a really tight hug, so he really knew how much I missed him.
Now you're probably wondering why I haven't seen him in three years. That's because him and my mom divorced. Why did they divorce you may ask? Well, let's take a blast in the past, three and a half years ago.
I came home from any normal day in the sixth grade, or what I called normal, to find my parents fighting. Every. Single. Day. When it first started being a little naive child, I didn't know better, so I butted in and tried to get them to stop, I didn't like hearing all the yelling and the screaming and flipping of tables and hearing "I WANT A DIVORCE" so I tried to break it up.
They always seemed to be fighting about the dumbest things too, such as kitchen placement, and somehow that turned into my dad not respecting my mom and my mom not letting my dad do anything. Well this one time, they were about to break out into a fist fight so I got inbetween them to make sure nothing happened, but next thing I knew I had a black eye and broken nose and went unconscious, doctors say its a miracle I'm still alive. Turns out in the middle of my mom throwing a full blast at my dad I got in the middle and well, you can figure out the rest. After I was stable and healed, my dad packed his bags and left, they went to court for the divorce and for custody of me, and they felt I'd be safer with my mom, it was supposed to be a shared custody, but my dad never saw me after the court session. Even though my mom was the one who punched me unconscious and threw a table across the room, luckily it landed right in front of my feet instead of on me. My dad has never done anything to put me in danger, when my mom tried to blast him he tried moving me, but it was too late. Mom has always had a little bit of an anger issue, but it's not too bad, but I don't understand why they put me with her if I'd be safer with my dad.
Ever since the court case I haven't seen him. I never understood why. Maybe that's why he came over, to tell me why he finally decided to come see me after three years. Maybe he moved back close to me. Maybe I'll get to see him more often. I dont know, but I'm glad I get to see him again.
Ever since the divorce I've been depressed and my only sense of comfort is music. I used to self harm. Seeing the thick red liquid ooze out of my arm makes me feel alive, it gives me a sense of warmth, I don't know how to explain it. Pain was the only thing that seemed to help, but sense I started listening to the bands I listen to, they inspired me to stop cutting, but I'm still very suicidal.
YOU ARE READING
"I'm Fine"(Usually Means I'm Really Not I Just Don't Want You to Worry About Me)
Roman pour Adolescents"I'm Fine" is about a girl named Alixx who has gone through many things in her life. Anyone who has been down has told someone that they are fine at least once. A lot of the times someone says they are fine and put a smile on their face, it usually...
