You're probably wondering how suicide came to thought, how, and why it didnt succeed. So we'll start off with my very first suicide attempt, sixth grade, right after my dad left. I was in school at the time, the thought of death was slowly creeping into my mind. I was in the school bathroom during fifth hour, sobbing. I didn't know how else to deal with the pain. Crying seemed like the best thing to do. I just sat on the floor against the stall, silently crying. Every once in a while when I caught my breath and i could form words, I'd look up and whisper
"Why me? What did I do wrong? I'm so depressed, I just want the pain to go away." Then put my immersed face back in my trembling hands and sobbed. After a while, the bell rang and some girls walked into the bathroom and heard me crying. They started walking closer to the sounds focus and pushed the door open, to see me. One of the girls said in an unnecessary sorrowed, sarcastic voice,
"Awe. What's wrong she/he? Parents don't care about you? I wouldn't care about my child if they were an emo freak either." I stood up, wiped the tears from my face and said,
"You know what? I'm sick of your crap. You have no idea what I'm going through, and I'm not a 'she/he' I'm a girl, a person, and I have feelings."
"Please sweetheart. You're a freak, you don't have feelings." She said with a chirpy, sarcastic attitude.
"HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF YOUR DAD JUST LEFT YOU?!? I wasn't a suck up to my dad, unlike you. That's all you seem to do, is suck up to everyone! I'm not a freak, I'm a human. Open your mind before your mouth. Think before you speak. You have no right to talk like this to me. I didn't do anything to you. I'm sick of your crap, leave me alone. If you don't like me, THAN DON'T ACKNOWLEDGE MY EXISTENCE. I'm done with your attitude. No one deserves to be treated the way you are treating me. What you're doing is pretty darn pathetic. You didn't have to say anything to me." with that, she just looked at me with a blank expression on her face and left, like a robot. No compassion, no sadness, no guilt, not a hint of happiness, nothing. Emotionless.
Well apparently it got all around school 'cause everyone looked at me with a smirk, like I was a joke. I kept seeing people randomly start laughing when they saw me, whispering behind my back, and looking at me with an evil smile. They whispered things like,
"Betcha she thinks she's cool." or "Wow, emo freak can get defensive." and stuff like that. I was fed up with it all, luckily school ended when I was at my breaking point, I walked onto my bus and quietly sat there 'til I was home.
I ran up the steps, into my room thinking about my day and crying. I paced for five minutes, I needed something to do to ease the pain in my heart. Death came back to mind and sounded soothing to me. So I grabbed a piece of paper and a pen and wrote my suicide note. It said,
"Dear mom,
I'm sorry, I just can't do this anymore.
Dad's gone, bullying. It's all too much.
I don't know how else to deal with pain.
I'm done, done with it all. I love you Mom.
Love, Alixx."
I then thought of how to do it. What would bring so much pain so someone knew that I was broken inside, what would explain it all? Then it hit me. I walked into my mom's room, and went into one of her drawers and found it. The thing that would end it all. The object that would end my pain and suffering. A rope, because I was only 11, I looked up how to tie a noose, once I got it tied, I put it on my fan, grabbed a chair, and stuck my head through the loop, looked up and whispered goodbye, then kicked the chair away from my feet and just hung there, peacefully, slowly loosing oxygen in my lungs, slowly dying, finally at peace. Or so I thought.
Next thing I knew I was hooked up to an oxygen tank and on a hospital bed with my mom by my side holding my hand, crying. I moved and looked at her and she looked up and saw that my eyes have opened, and started to gasp and smile and cry and saying "thank you" over and over again.
"Mom?" I said confused. I was lost. Last thing I remembered was hanging myself.
"Yes baby?" She gasped, relievingly.
"What happened?" I asked. I was hoping to be gone.
"You were so depressed about things, you tried hanging yourself. You wrote me a letter." She teared up at the thought of her 11 year old, her only child, commiting suicide.
"Why didn't you just leave me there? Why couldn't you just let me go, so I could be out of my misery?" I asked. Obviously I didn't want to live anymore. Why save me? You're just putting me back through hell.
"Because sweetheart." She paused, looked up and started crying. She didn't want to hear her child talk like this. "Because I know if you died I couldn't live with myself." She replied laying her head down on the white sheets. Crying some more.
I couldn't respond to that, I didn't have enough air in my lungs, so I went back to sleep. As much as I wanted to leave Earth and never come back, I had to somehow stay strong. Even though I know thats not going to work, I can't be strong anymore, but, you gotta try, right?
YOU ARE READING
"I'm Fine"(Usually Means I'm Really Not I Just Don't Want You to Worry About Me)
Ficção Adolescente"I'm Fine" is about a girl named Alixx who has gone through many things in her life. Anyone who has been down has told someone that they are fine at least once. A lot of the times someone says they are fine and put a smile on their face, it usually...
