Conceptions

To the woman who left me

I miss you.

It's been a year.

Almost two years.

I hope you didn't get sick and died because of it.

I hope you're still here, watching me grow up. Watching me falling hopelessly in love with my crush. Watching me studying the day before exams. Watching me stuffing my mouth with lots of foods.

I am currently reading this book wherein her twin brother faked his death and hid himself from his loving family for twelve years.

I wish you are currently doing the same.

I wish we suffered because of your death and we would suddenly find out you are still alive. Just hiding somewhere far away from us.

But no.

Because life sucks and we have to accept the truth.

The painful truth.

I was in agony for a week after your death. I cried a lot in my sleep every night, remembering all the things I should have regretted before you passed away.

The things I should have done before you passed away.

I was suffering from remorse. I should have said sorry. For all the... bad, bad things I have felt and done towards you. I don't want to enumerate them. Those will just be hidden and kept between you and me. Those would be our deep, dark secrets.

There are also a lot of what ifs in my mind.

Like what if you're still alive, we'd be travelling the world. We'll be using all of our savings just to go to every country we had loved to go to. You would give me advices. Teach me new things.
Help me get over the guy who doesn't requite my feelings back.

But

You are gone.

Forever.