Conceptions

Today

Today my parents' shouts were my alarm clock. I guess I'm thankful. Today I saw a man on the way to school. He has two cuts on his wrists. One right below his palm and the other on the middle of his wrist. At first I thought he's a construction worker but he doesn't look like one to me. I don't know if he harmed himself or it happened because of his work. I watched him go down and walk away until he's out of sight. I don't know. I am not sure. But I cried. I don't know which made me cry either. My parents fighting early in the morning or the man I saw with two cuts. But I cried. I cried for like a minute, I think. It hurt me. It hurts. It still does.

Today I gave my ex-crush a remembrance gift. Actually we exchanged gifts. He gave me his beloved Transformer toy, Starscream. I didn't like it nor love it. I appreciated it. I can appreciate boy stuff. It's awesome. I also wrote him a letter, confessing to him. It also hurt.

The evening after he received it, he messaged me. He thanked me and told me he appreciated it. What hurt the most is that when he told me I'd find my own man someday. I thought I've moved on. But I haven't. Yet. It made me cry. I cried. Again. I listened to Juan Miguel Severo's You Don't Love Me, It's Okay. I cried again.

The cycle hurts. This always happens. Everytime I am going to have a crush on someone, it's always unrequited. The feelings are always unreciprocated. It's fucking me up. It hurts so much. I know it's not my crush's fault to not like me back, but, it hurts. What hurts? Maybe the truth and the fact that the feelings won't always be reciprocated. It's... fucked up.