The Senior Project

Chapter Twenty Four | Guilty Heart

CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR~
GUILTY HEART

I slugged through the days slowly, feeling like I was walking through an ocean of black tar. The long sticky tendrils pulled at me, sucking at my legs, trying to pull me under. The immense guilt I was feeling could not be matched. There was just. So. Much. Damn. Guilt.

Every day, for the last week, a few people randomly went up to James to offer condolences. I don't even know why. He took it all in stride, with a kind smile and a polite thank you. But he hated it, I could tell by the way he closed his eyes and took a deep breath after each passing apology. He didn't like the way they were apologizing for something they had absolutely nothing to do with. He didn't like the memories they brought up.

And then, there were the cautious, wary students. Believe it or not, some students actually looked at him differently, with something akin to condescension. I found it laughable really, that they seemed to think better of themselves than James. I thought high schoolers would be more mature than that because really? Adoption didn't make him any different. He was still the friendly, kind guy he'd always been. Besides, family wasn't just about blood ties.

As for me, whenever we accidentally met each other's eyes in the halls, I would try to conjure up smile and he would look away. I guess he saw betrayal every time he glanced at me. He didn't always quite look away in time. Once or twice, I caught a glimpse of his eyes and I saw the pain he tried to cover up.

I knew that the way people were acting was causing James to remember everything he'd been trying to forget. Though it was true that most people weren't laughing at him- the polar opposite of the kids during his younger years- I, of all people, knew the piteous looks could get pretty damn unbearable. After all, I'd gotten the same look from people after Daniel died.

The final bell rang, and everyone began packing up. Another day was over and it was the weekend at long last. I was beyond thankful. Who knew how much more I could take before the guilt consumed me? Assuming it hadn't already.

I hissed it a breath of anger. I, I, I, that's all I thought about. I brushed off the selfish words as I packed my bag and hefted it over my shoulder. From nearby, Soraya also got ready to leave. She and I... well, we were okay despite the huge argument we got into about how stupid I was. It went something like:

"Why did you do it?"

A shrug from me.

"Celia."

I still gave no response.

"Celia that might well have been the dumbest thing ever."

I nodded.

"It was really bad."

"You mentioned that."

She frowned, I did too.

"We'll talk when you're ready?"

"Thank you."

And that was that.

"Ready?" I asked at present, as she placed another thick textbook into her bag.

Soraya had one leg propped up on the bottom of her locker, her overflowing backpack resting atop her thigh. She winced under the weight as she shifted her feet to balance out the weight of the backpack. Grabbing her phone and her last textbook, she zipped up the bag heaved the whole thing onto her back. We both turned to head out only to see James at his locker staring at me with so much regretful sadness that I was forced to break our heavy gaze.