Adopted... More like kidnapped.
My parents told me the news after getting yet another terrible algebra grade.
"Ker, I hate to have to tell you this, but your mother and I are putting you up for adoption." "Oh, its for the best honey!" my mom quickly added in. "btw we h9 u" Added my father from his Tumblr account, XxX_G0lf_luvr_bru5s3l-spr0u7-m4573r_4848_XxX.
"Oh sweet child, we want to keep you, but we know that with all of these failing math grades that your father and I cant trust you to keep up the family business."
"Oh my god mom are your serious? Your putting me up for adoption because I'm bad at math? WHAT DO SARDINES HAVE TO DO WITH MATH ANYWAYS"
"iz a sense on pr1d3 k3rr3ye, and W3 H4V3 N0 PR1D3 1N YOU GO D1E IN A D1TCH ON I-95!!11!!" typed my loving father, over his "anonymous" social media account.
"Oh dear teeny bopper," started my mom, "We've set you up with a nice young whippersnapper named Allison A.. Asxel... Assenburle? Yes, a Mr. and Mrs. ASStroburgernef.
"sounds lik some FR34KIN L00SER5!!!211!" furiously typed my dad, as he started his 2-hour-tumblrina-caps-lock-rant.
"I can't believe you're actually doing this- how long do i have to pack?" I asked as the doorbell rang.
"OOOH, THAT MUST BE THEM! HONEY LUMPER, GET THE COOKIES AND OTHER ASSORTED BAKED DELICACIES!"
as my mother went to quickly but properly open the door, some freak of nature kicked it down screaming "BARACKPHANS HERE AND READY TO RUMBLE BITCHCHACHAS"
