Don't you see? Your hurting me!

16 3 2

by wolfbrine220

by wolfbrine220

I just want to die no one will miss me because they never noticed how well I hide my cuts, how I always keep to myself. I fucking hate my self because I can never be perfect I'm feeling suicidal but I'm too afraid to tell my parents. My dad hates me for not being straight. My mother says ' it's just a phase ' when I was hiding this ' phase ' from them ever since 2 grade. I have a huge crush on my best friend that I made in 2 grade. And I'm to afraid to tell her, to Show
Her that I have been in love with her since I laid my eyes on her. My brother is the only one that believes I'm saying the truth about myself, when he still doesn't even know that I cut where no one will ever know, my cousin that lives with me and my mom is siding with my mom, for this is only a ' phase ' and that its ' popular ' to be not straight. When they say that I don't know what I'm talking about. When it's them, that are talking bullshit and not knowing the Real!!!!!!. That my mother doesn't know that I loath her boyfriend, but I keep quiet for her sake, so she can be happy, I'm jealous of my other best friend for being so nice when in the beginning I was a bully to her in 4 - 5 grade, but did nothing but show endless of kindness to me, no one knows how fucking bad I want to kill my self. I don't want pity. I don't want love. I don't want help. I just want to be dead. I maybe going to a summer camp tomorrow, and it's a Christian summer camp. It hurts that everyone believes in God and say never trust the devil. Yet I'm different, I'm the Devils puppet, and I fear God, I just want to be fucking done it hurts how people that are so close to me that they truly don't see my fake smile, the very present tear stains, or mostly my empty eyes.

God!!! I hate my fucking eyes, how they show my true emotion in them when I want to hide away from the world. I hate my smile and how I need braces to make my smile ' perfect ' for people I don't care about in my life. I'm such a horrible person, I've mislead my love for my family for so long. How my heart already bleed out of love. Kindness. Hope. And every other emotions.

The only emotions that I have is sad. Anger. Disgust. Hate. Loneliness. And desperation. Desperation to get away from everyone before I hurt them. I'm a dam. Waiting to break for a my hurtful emotions to flood my body. I just want to end my life before I hurt anyone else. No one will ever care.

I just want to die!!!!!!, to save everyone from hearing my fake laugh. To see my fake smile. And to stop them worrying over me when they should all leave me THE. FUCK. ALONE!!!!!!

I don't want anyone else in this mess of my life. I'm a horrible daughter to my mother and father, I'm never going to have children because I'm too strung up on loving my child hood best friend to care of having children of my own, I'm a horrible daughter for failing at and in school, I study so hard, you don't even know how hard I study, just to fail one of my most important class. I suck at writing on paper, you blame me for not trying hard enough, when at night with my phone flash light on, and a sharp pencil with a pencil sharpener and a note book, going over and over again trying my FUCKING HARDEST!!!!!! At writing on paper the best that I can FUCKING DO!!!! And yet I still fail at it. You look down at me when I fail and you compare me with other better children and ask me ' why can't you do better and be like them!? They can write a hold novel on paper in cursive!!! And you still can't do one single paper of homework without making it sloppy!!! ' yes I'm horrible and you don't even notice things that I'm even good at, I'm the fastest Typer in my hole school!!!! I'm the best artist, and everyone at my school agrees with me and yet you still don't noticed that.

I'm the best person you can have a conversation with. But I'm to tired when I get home from helping other people's and friends problems to have any energy left to have a good conversation with you. I'm the best soccer/tennis/girl football/batmitin/ track player the school has ever seen!!!! And yet you don't even notice that. Your saying I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends. Their my friends. I'm not perfect, I'm not a slut, I'm not prissy, I'm sorry that I don't fit in with the people you think that are ' nice children ' my friends are the people I can relate too, and let loose around them, to rage about all the problems about the school and everyone else that I hate. And yet.... You never have met them and their the most protective, caring, nicest, most awesomely, and most funny group I can ever have!!!!

You and every other family member complains about me never talking much. It's because I'm protecting you from what's going on in my head, my heart, and mostly my soul, I never talk much 'Cause I'm to afraid to hurt you. Or for me to say the wrong thing to you or anyone else and get hurt from you turning on me and telling me I'm a screw up, I'm only waisting air, I'm only a pice of shit that no one cares about, that you never loved me in the first place, that you pity me that I'm still alive, that you'll say to me 'go kill yourself ' and that's what I'm exactly going to do.

I already know I'm a screw up, a waist of air and space, and that I'm a pice of shit that know one cares about in the end, and that I already know you truly don't love me in the first place. And that's what I exactly want to do,

I want to kill myself because I can never show you my pain, I could never tell you my pain, and I can never reveal my pain to you. Because it's to painful to even think about it. I think of killing myself daily, but I'm too afraid to do it because if you actually cry over my dead body, if you ever cry and scream at my grave.

I'm living a nightmare that never ends, I may look like I'm sleeping but I'm wide awake to scared to actually fall asleep to wake up to you gone, to see you out of my life, to truly know you don't love me.

But I'm just stringing myself along as well, I know every well that you don't; care for my health, love me for me, and even hope that I'll be better. Because I'll never be I'm forever sick and you can't stop it. I tried. And looks to me know, I'm worse than before. You never loved me like I never loved you, love is a Lie, caring is a LIE, hope is a FUCKING LIE

SO JUST STOP NOW BEFORE YOU TURN LIKE ME AND WANT EVERYTHING TO END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
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Why do you even try!? You can't fix me, I'm forever broken.

My crush/ex-childhood friend hates me now!!! And all of my friends are fading away. I should have never even try to keep in touch with them. They hate me because I finally became what you wanted.

I lost all of the thing's that mattered to me, just to make you happy. I became popular with all the kids that aren't even fucking people!?!?!?!? I lost my true friends because I could never talk to them. I HATE gossiping and yet you and her gossip at the dinner table with HIM!!!!!!! I finally told you I don't like HIM!!!! And yet you said ' tuff luck, we're getting married '

I became fucking STRAIGHT!!!!!! Because you demanded that I should be straight!!!!.

Well fuck you, fuck all of you!!!!!!!! I'm done!!!!!!!! Don't even come LOOKING for me!!!!!!! And blame everything on ME!!!!!!!!! It's all YOU'RE!!!!! Fault!!! Not MINE!!!!!!

Go get married to your fuck boy!!!! Have the daughters you really want!!!!! The only one that will miss me is my brother!!!! He was the only one that liked me!!!!!!

You keep blaming things on me!!! I don't lie anymore, I don't steal your money, I NEVER HAD!!!!!!! It was all HER!!!!! FAULT!!!!!! But you believe her instead of your blood DAUGHTER!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVED YOU!!!!!!!! You hated me!!!!! You wanted a high class daughter.

You wanted a daughter that played with Barbie dolls, I play with action figures

You wanted a daughter that dreamed of being a ballerina, I dreamed of becoming a YouTuber

You wanted a daughter that gets all A's in class, I struggle with even the simplest of things.

I will never be your perfect daughter, and I never will, I'm stopping this now, I'm done, I'm COMPLETELY DONE!!!!!!!
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CAN'T YOU ALL SEE I'M COMPLETELY FUCKING DONE!!!!!!! IM DINE WITH THE STRESS, I'M DONE WITH THE PAIN, I'M DONE WITH YOUR DISAPPOINTMENT AT ME, AND IM DOME WITH EVERYTHING YOU TRIED TONDO TO ME TO CHAMGE ME!!!!!!!!! IM JUAT FUCKING DONE!!!!! I WANT TO KILL MYSELF, BUT IM TOO FUCKING SCARED, IM ABOUT TO KILL SOMETHING!!!!! IM JUST! AUGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! CANT YOU SEE YOUR SMOTHERING ME!?!?!?!? WHY CANT YOU MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESSES!?!?!? HUH!!!! JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE BEFORE YOU CHANGE INTO SOMETHING LIKE ME!!!!!, AND MAKE ME WORSE, BY KNOWING THAT I PUT YOU THERE ON MY OWN!!!!!!!

Please.... Just...... Stop.
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Sorry wolfers, I just had to get it out, it was becoming to big for me to handle anymore, sorry if I disappointed you guys at all, just going through some tuff times, anyway hope you guys have an awesome winter break where ever you are, and Christmas, bye wolfers, Wolfy out.