Ultramarine -- REWRITTEN

Seven. [h.s.] -- REWRITTEN

          I tried to mask the growing pity with anger and annoyance. I was only going without the capsules to convince myself that it would be better with them, but I wasn't so sure. Everything was disoriented, so I couldn't make any real observations about changes in my thoughts or feelings other than the pity. I had had a throbbing headache the second morning and felt uncomfortable and sore as the day drew on. I was sure that Doctor Gallagher could tell that something was off during our meeting but thankfully I wouldn't have another for a few days. During that time, I could figure out how to mask my exhaustion.

          Now, I searched the household quickly, knowing that I'd be late if I wasn't quick enough. I didn't want to admit the real reason why I was trying to find her my deck of cards, but the reason that I had convinced myself of was was that I wanted her out of my business. I didn't want her knowing that I wasn't taking my capsules; she'd think that I would be on her side. Cards would cure her boredom, she'd begin to fit in, and she'd leave me alone. I shouldn't care about how she felt, but somehow I did.

          My hands yanked open the side drawer next to my bed as I shuffled through its contents, finally finding a deck of cards in a metallic case. A breath of relief filled my system as I shoved it into my pocket. My fingers touched something foreign and my eyebrows knitted together. Pulling out the foil bird, I examined it carefully and pulled the tail. As the wings magically lifted, a brief smile formed on my lips thinking of how she folded it together. The smile faded, knowing that I should throw it away, but I couldn't part with it and replaced the space that the deck of cards occupied in the drawer with the foil bird.

          I slammed it shut and raced out of my room to throw my empty morning meal tray away. Time was passing and I was running out of it. It seemed like my thoughts were jumbled together when I didn't take my capsule. I felt mentally disorganized and busy; nothing was in order and I despised the feeling.

          "One thought," I breathed to myself, closing my eyes.

          Take your capsule.

          Opening my eyes, I eyed the gray compact on the counter for a moment before grasping it in my palm. My fingers fumbled with the opening and I groaned at my sudden inability to do anything on the first try. My heart raced without the calming feeling that the capsule provided. Finally snapping it open with a click, I snagged one of the emerald spheres, took a deep breath, and crushed it in my hand. Warm liquid laid lifeless on my palm and began to leak from between my fingers. My heart rate steadied and I closed my eyes. Another breath of relief left my body, creating the urge to scream at the instant feeling of power that I had over the Association. I grinned involuntarily, feeling insane that I could feel something so odd, but amazing.

          If Charmaine and Brian were mistaken, then I'd prove them wrong and snuff out any questions I had toward the Association. If they were right, then the Association could no longer control my thoughts and feelings. A small part of me secretly wanted the latter, but a majority of me rejected the feeling of being in control. This wouldn't help me fit it. It would only push me further. But it was for the greater good, right? Eventually I'd begin to take the capsule again.

          But not for awhile.

          I filled my palm with soap and rubbed off the liquid inside of the capsule. The outer coating dissolved in the warm water, viridian swirls twisting down the drain with the suds. I scrubbed hard to remove any excess out of my pores and fingerprints. I dried my hands and left the house.

          My steps, unlike my thoughts, showed purpose and control. Compared to when I took my capsule, the orderless brainwork going on was much more disastrous. With the capsule, I'd think of only one thought at time until I grew tired of it, believing that it was all disorganized. Now I didn't know what was going on in my mind. The first day without it was fine, but the next morning had brought an abundance of emotions and questions that I didn't recognize and didn't have the chance to meet properly since each was fleeting and variations of others. The possibility of the Association blocking and manipulating emotions and thoughts could be proved true if I assumed that these new emotions and thoughts were the ones "blocked off" by Panacea. It literally was driving me, as Charmaine had said, insane.