"Louis?"
I hear my mum's worried voice, but I don't seem to have the strength to answer her. To be honest, I can't find the strength to do much of anything lately except lie around and wallow in my own pathetic misery, hating myself and trying to pretend like my heart isn't completely breaking. It's actually a very time consuming task.
"Louis, please let me in? I'm just trying to do the laundry," She pleads with me, and I can hear the door knob rattling. I don't know why she bothers trying, I've always got it locked. I know it's not fair to my family. I'm only in town for two days before I leave again, one of which I spent locked away in my room. Today seemed to be going the same way. After our concert tonight I'd be jetting off to our next destination, and I really should be playing with the twins or catching up with Lottie and Fizz before then. But I just can't.
"Louis!" Her voice is more stern now, and I can tell she's starting to get fed up with me. Still, I refuse to answer, just roll over so I'm curled against the wall, shutting out the entire world around me. Eventually I assume she just leaves, because there's no more rattling or annoyed sighs. I thought I'd be happier if she left me alone, but it only hurts more as a wave of loneliness washes over me.
I miss her.
Just thinking about her hurts.
My phone starts ringing from across the room. The voice control announces that it's Harry calling and once again I ignore it. I hadn't spoken to any of the lads since we'd arrived in Doncaster early yesterday, and I knew they were worrying about me. Everyone was worrying about me. But I wasn't a child, I didn't need their pity or constant fussing. I just needed to be left alone.
I let the phone keep ringing until eventually the ringtone cuts off. I can't stomach the thought of having an actual conversation with him or anyone else right now.
Well, maybe her, but I know that's pretty much impossible now. And god damn it, I'm not supposed to be thinking about her...
The phone rings again and this time it's Liam. I roll my eyes, but part of me actually wants to answer. He's always got the best advice. But I'd have to explain it to him. I'd have to let myself think of her and what happened. I really don't feel like rubbing salt into my wounds, it's much easier if I lay here and pretend I'm numb and don't have any feelings.
It's much easier if I pretend she never even existed to begin with.
The silence is starting to get to me, though. I don't have my mobile on me, out of fear of caving and calling her, so I have to get up and cross the room to my alarm clock to turn on the radio. I scan through the stations, looking for a song to distract me. I finally settle on an upbeat one to which I don't know the name, but can recall some of the words. It's not really about anything - just partying and sex, really. Which is good. I don't want any sappy lyrics reminding me of the way she used to make me feel.
As I'm padding across the room in my bare feet, making my way back over to my bed, something catches my eye. Looped around the wheel of my bed is a bright pink hair band. The same one she used to always tie her hair up with. There it was, concrete evidence that she existed and had once been a big enough part of my life to bring her here.
It's the littlest things, just like that, that bring her back to me. It could be as simple as the lyrics to a song she used to sing, or the flicker of blonde hair passing me by on the street, a flower like the one she used to weave through her hair... it could be anything, because honestly, every detail of her is burned into my memory and they wouldn't go away.
Because that's the thing about Grace....
The thing about loving a girl like Grace was that she was one of a kind. Not even one in a million because that would mean there were approximately seven hundred more in the world just like her. In the time I had been allowed to get to know Grace, she'd left me mesmerized.
Most girls were pretty in a way that you looked at them and thought - damn, she's attractive. But the more you look, the further you inspect, you'd realize her face was practically painted on, and her cleavage is just an illusion created by an expensive push up bra. Her hair is bleached and she's just trying way too hard. Suddenly you're looking at a girl who is most definitely hot... But not pretty anymore.
Grace was pretty in a different way altogether. At first glance she was simply stunning. She made you realize sayings like "took my breath away" could actually be true. So incredibly stunning that you didn't want to look away for fear of never getting to look at something so beautiful again. But then you have to look away because you can't let a girl like that catch a guy like you starring at her. And then you look back again, she's even more captivating. The longer you let your eyes linger on her bare, porcelain skin, the more you have to fight the urge to reach out and touch it. You'd notice that her blonde hair was streaked with with natural highlights that caught the light and almost shimmered like pure gold. The longer you kept looking, the more enticed you'd be by her little smirk. You'd notice the dimples in her cheeks and realize you'd never seen anything quite so blue as her eyes.
No matter how many times you looked back at Grace - you'd never find a single flaw.
But loving Grace was more than just loving a beautiful girl. She was funny and bold. She gave me all these new reasons to laugh and sing and smile and love the world. She filled my life with color and imagination. She kept me on my toes.
And when she left... She took it all. She took me. She took all the colors away and left me living in a dark, empty grey world where nothing was exciting or new or fun. It was like I wasn't even really living anymore. I laughed when someone told a joke, not becuase I found it funny, but because it was the appropriate thing to do. I sung the lyrics to our songs not because I felt meaning behind them, but because they were the words shoved into my hands. I was just an empty shell of the person I used to be, before her.
I hated her for it. I hated that she destroyed my life. I was perfectly content before she waltzed in and showed me what it was to feel in a whole new way. She had ruined me. And I fucking hated her for it.
But no matter how angry I was, or how much I wanted to erase her from my memory, I couldn't. Because thats the thing about falling in love with a girl like Grace, you could never forget her.
No matter how hard you tried.
