Infinite Reflections

IV. Minna's Return

My first night at Berkeley was strange to say the least, and I didn’t get an ounce of sleep. I can’t quite remember what kept me up. My room was silent, my roommate still in custody of the nurses. There was not a sound to be heard from the hallway; it seemed that night time was quiet time for all suicidals.

My room smelled of fresh lilac; it must have been from the soap they used to washed the sheets. There was only one light in my room, and it came from the corded phone that was attached to the wall near the entrance. The tiny power light blinked on and off for hours, its shiny lime green glow watching me while I tried to sleep.

My mind wandered. Are the nurses watching us? I searched the room, hunting for any sort of tell-tale sign that a surveillance camera was active. Luckily, there was no trace, but I was still on guard. It didn’t surprise me that there wasn’t a camera, since my scream had been the only sign early today that Minna had tried to kill herself. How long would it have taken them to notice without me?

Somewhere around four a.m. I pulled my eyes shut tight, refusing to open them for anything, or anyone. Soon enough, I was taken by sleep. I didn’t dream; I couldn’t, for whatever reason. I’d always been told that dreams were a place to escape from reality, that dreamless nights were a sign that life was at its peak. Was this my peak? Was my life going to go downhill from this? Didn’t I deserve to escape?

I was taken aback when I awoke; the familiar face of a redhead girl was no more than three inches away. Her wide green eyes stared at me, and I stared back, taking in the features I’d been too blind to see the day before- her turned up nose, full pink lips, and flawless skin. How could such a beautiful girl be suicidal? She looked as if she could have come from the front cover of a magazine, how had she ended up here?

“Good morning!” her voice was light and silvery, her lips pulling back in a wide smile. I could tell that she was trying to be nice. I wondered if she preferred to have the room to herself.

“Good morning,” I responded with my rough, strained voice. I quickly sat up, running my fingers through my long blonde hair, trying to organize my obvious bed hair.

“You’re my new roommate?” Minna asked in a cheery voice, failing to wait for a response. “My name’s Minna.”

“I’m Syrenne,” I introduced myself, offering a polite smile although I was nervous to meet her. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“It’s nice to meet you too,” she agreed, her smile widening, before turning into a bland unhappy look. “I heard about what you did for me yesterday. Thank you for getting help, I’m sorry if I scared you.”

She’s thanking me for stopping a suicide attempt?

“It’s totally fine! You didn’t scare me at all, I was just surprised,” I lied in a nonchalant voice, uncovering myself, getting out of bed, and taking a step towards the dresser that I had unpacked my clothes into the night before.

“Did anything exciting happen while I was gone?” Minna asked, throwing herself onto her bed and lying on her stomach, her feet waving in the air.

“Not really,” I replied, pulling out the clothes that I would wear today. One lucky thing about Berkeley was that they let you wear whatever you want. Excluding any clothing with studs or sharp objects, for obvious reasons. “I’ll be right back,” I warned Minna, taking my clothing to the bathroom.

I showered quickly, brushing my teeth and doing all of the essentials. There was a full length mirror set up in the bathroom. My guess was that it was there to discourage cutters, who would be forced to see their entire body and all of the scars they’d caused. One thing I’d learned since arriving at Berkeley was that the self-harmers sure found unique places to cut. Their thighs, their ankles, upper arms, hips, waist, you name it. Every so often, a shirt would come up too far and reveal an old scar that had not yet healed. I’d tried not to judge the person any differently; we were all in a psychiatric hospital anyways. I was just as crazy as they were. I had to be, after all, if I was completely sane I wouldn't be here.

Looking at my body, I should have felt relief. Where on others there were layers of scars, I had pure white skin, blemish free and soft. Where others would look and see nothing but fat, I saw a small lean stomach. No matter what I saw, I’d never excuse it as pretty, or in the least bit hot. No matter what anyone told me, I’d always be ugly in my own mind. I slipped my clothes on, refusing to look into the mirror any more. I wore little more than my undergarments, a pair of black shorts, and a purple tee shirt that read “Fighting Hawks”.

I took a closer look at myself, my wet blonde hair falling down in spirals. My blue eyes were piercing and, in a way, creepy. My lips were nowhere near as full as Minna’s, though my nose was upturned just like hers. In a way, I could see the similarities between us, but they were few and far between.

When I left the bathroom, I found Minna sitting on her bed, unwrapping the bloody bandage that had covered the cuts she’d inflicted the day before. The thick, metallic smell invaded my nostrils, making me nauseous in a second. Minna noticed, giving an apologetic frown.

“They look pretty bad,” I commented sympathetically as she took a fresh bandage and wrapped it around her bloody wound.

“Not bad enough I suppose,” she sighed, her eyes locked on the clean bandage covering her wrist.

“What made you want to do it?” I asked, sitting on my bed only a few feet away from her.

“A lot of things, I suppose,” she responded, lying on her back and staring at the ceiling. “What about you?”

I was reminded of the way Landon had rejected the truth, pushing it off as my denial of my suicidal tendencies. Would Minna react the same way? What would I say then?

“A lot of things,” I sighed, using Minna’s exact words. I was playing it safe, just as Minna was. Only, one of us was deeply and emotionally disturbed, while the other was in a place she would never belong, thanks to a drug that she’d never taken.

“At least in here, we’re safe.” Minna’s abrupt comment took me off guard.

What danger is she in?