disconsolate || stylinson

chapter 1

sighing, harry pulled open his car's door and slid inside. after jamming his keys into the ignition, he placed his packages on the seat next to him and turned on the car radio. cheerful christmas songs consumed the silence as harry pulled out of the parking lot, heading back to his apartment.

as he arrived, he admired the one aspect of his life that was still positive. his apartment was atop his photography shop, "styles studios." photography was one of the little things left in his life that brought him joy. it was a release and it was something that was all his own. in his shop he sold photos he had taken, and he could be hired to do photoshoots for other people or brands. one of the best things about owning his own shop was that harry could work his own hours, and he enjoyed what he did.

harry made his way to the back of the shop and stepped into the storage room, where the stairs to his apartment were. he climbed up the narrow staircase and pulled open the door, stepping inside his cozy home. he flicked on the lights and headed down the hallway into the kitchen.

as he turned the corner, he noticed a person sitting at the counter and a loud scream escaped his lips. his best friend, niall horan, then burst into laughter as harry took deep breaths, trying to calm himself down.

"jeez niall, you scared me!" harry frowned, taking a seat next to his friend.

"yeah well you're a wimp, so i'm not surprised." niall retorted back confidently, causing harry to roll his eyes. niall had been harry's best friend since high school. after the incident that pretty much ruined harry, niall still stuck with him.

the first year had been the hardest. everything reminded harry of him. he couldn't go a day without breaking into tears and he eventually resorted to hurting himself, an awful habit he had recently gotten out of. throughout all of it though, niall hadn't given up on him. he supported harry no matter what, until he had reached a level where he could pretend like everything was okay.

harry still wasn't the same, but he was much better. all he wanted now was to have hope again. to smile genuinely and feel happy for a long period of time. when he was with his family or true friends, he got flashes of happiness, but it never stayed. once he was left alone again it faded and he was left angry and bitter.

"i'm not a wimp." harry argued relentlessly, although he knew niall was somewhat correct.

"yeah okay, sure." niall rolled his eyes, holding back a laugh. "why are you getting back so late anyways? where were you?"

"i was at the mall, getting some last minute Christmas presents." harry explained, revealing his shopping bags.

"i'll say, it's literally 11 o' clock on Christmas eve." niall chuckled, standing up from his seat at the counter. harry shrugged, not having an excuse. "what are your plans for tomorrow anyways?"

"i'm driving down to my parents for dinner, but that's about it. gemma and her family will be there."

"okay well i'm spending the day with my parents so i won't be able to visit, is that okay?" niall asked, frowning slightly.

"niall i'm not a mental patient, you don't need to check on me every day. i can handle myself." harry pointed out.

"i know, i know, but it's Christmas and i don't want you spending the day by yourself and-"

"niall it's okay, have fun at with your family and don't worry about me." harry reassured the other boy. niall agreed, but didn't seem convinced. harry decided to ignore this and reached into his bag of presents, grabbing niall's. "here you go you fucker, merry Christmas. now get out of my house."

niall shook his head and smiled, accepting the gift from harry. he then thanked him and gathered his things before walking down the hallway and leaving harry to himself. sighing, harry's smile left his face and he headed to his bedroom. he would never tell niall this, but he still got lonely when there was nobody with him at night.

as he laid down and pulled the covers over himself, he felt the dreaded sadness that came with night wash over him. old memories replayed over and over again in his head like a broken record, no matter how hard harry tried to blink them away. they were memories of happiness and laughter and love, yet harry couldn't remember how any of those things felt. he hated himself for it. all of these good memories had been ruined by one single memory and that one memory pained harry more than anything in the world.

everybody thought he was okay. everybody thought he had moved on and was content with himself. they were completely unaware of the damage that one boy had done to harry, and they had no idea that it killed him every day.

nobody knew the truth except for niall, and he didn't even know the half of it. he didn't know about the nightmares, or the panic attacks, or the endless nights spent feeling empty, alone, and betrayed. he had this beautiful false image of himself created for the public, but inside harry was a complete mess.

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