Hayley's Page

My Manic Life

03:47am June 07, 2014
My life: a whirlwind of ideas, emotions, spinning out of control. Zooming at a
hundred miles an hour, sucking me into a suffocating vortex that will feel great tomorrow.

Within seconds I'm up, higher than the clouds, the space station. Fuck it, higher than the moon! I feel amazing! You know why?
Because I AM amazing!
I'm talented, intelligent, beautiful, inspiring!
I have made hundreds of plans, all of which are fool proof! Incredible ideas that Da Vinci himself couldn't have thought of! I'm going to make a difference! I'm going to be famous! It will happen!
I'm out, I find myself at the bottom of around thirty glasses and at the end of several lines of Coke.
Then the night slips away from me. I watch it disappear from between my fingertips and the bitter harshness of my reality comes crashing down on me.
We're all having fun, indulging ourselves in the moment, chatting to one another, laughing about something as stupid as an ant on the ground carrying a leaf. All holding hands as we look up at the night sky, breathing in the cold air, talking of life, dreams, conspiracies. None of us wishing for it to end, for us to be able to lay here for all time and to always feel this good.
Where I'm happy, for everyone is on my level for several blissful hours. Until morning comes.
Then they have to sleep. So they can wake up in a few hours and go to work, meet their friends, maybe go for a nice dinner, see the family, and cuddle up in the evening with their other half.
I'm left alone. Pretending to be the same as them, acting as if last night didn't happen, when in reality I'm holding on to those memories until they pain me.
I post a status or two on Facebook, even a tweet about my day. My fake happiness and apparent mundane life so I can save myself the embarrassment that last night, those memories, are all I have. Instead I show them that I too am glad it happened yet happy it ended, that I'm looking forward to chilling and watching a film, working on a new project, out to work. That maybe, just maybe, we can go out in a couple of weekends if we have the money.

It hurts because that high, I have that everyday, for the best part of the day, and I never want it to end!
I wallow in my misery in between the highs, where I remember every mistake I've made. Hurt that the party's over and now I have to watch through jealous eyes as everyone moves on with their lives without me, whilst I wander around aimlessly.
The whispers that echo around my mind, reminding me that I'm not good enough, I'm a problem to everyone's lives, that it won't get better. Luring me in and trapping me in the clutches of depression as I contemplate ending my existence.
Whether this time it's an attempt or a cry for help, I'm terrified. Terrified that one day I won't be in the right frame of mind, have enough willpower, or have the courage to actually end it. I'm scared because I know one day I'll do it for real and I'm scared of dying but I can't help how I feel in that moment and in all honesty, there's no getting through to me!
My incredible, insightful, messy roller coaster of a life will be lost in the abyss of souls that didn't matter.
Self destruction is a word I know to well.
That's all for tonight, not like anyone will read this anyway. But for now, goodnight!
Hayley.