Of Angels and Strength

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White. A lot of things in this hospital are white. It smells like the lemon air freshener that my mom hates but my daddy insists on using in his car. He took it out of the car once mom got put into the hospital and wasn't able to come out. He said that when she did come out, he didn't want her stressing over the smell of the car. Daddy is trying to keep everyone hopeful but I know my mom is dying.

Everyone thinks that because I'm only nine and a half that I don't get it. But they don't give me enough credit. I understand. Mom is sick and she has been for a while but it only recently got worse. She can't leave the hospital because if anyone outside gets her sick, she could die faster...well faster than she's already dying. She has cancer. I took my grandma's phone to find out what cancer is and in the top ten causes of death, cancer is number two. I don't have much hope that mom will survive like my daddy does. I guess it's because I know that she's sick. Mom denies it but she talks in her sleep. And sometimes she whimpers and cries and she holds her body really tight, like she's afraid that it's going to fall apart. So I figured out that if she dies, she won't be hurting anymore. She won't be suffering anymore. I didn't tell this to my daddy though, because he says she's a fighter, and she's gonna win this battle. I don't think this is a battle. I think it's a war. And for once, I think mom is going to lose.

"Hey my beautiful princess," my mommy has lost all of her hair and now she wears colorful scarves everyday so that she doesn't have to see her baldness when she occasionally looks in the mirror.

Mom used to have pretty hair, that fell down her back and was soft to the touch. She used to let me braid it, before she got sick and it started falling out. Mom is beautiful too, even though she looks really sick. She's pale and sometimes I feel like when I look at her I can look right through her and it scares me so much that I have to look away. I think mom is still pretty though, even if she doesn't think so.

"Come here, come share some of that warmth with me," mom is always cold. That's because the doctor said her immune system is weak and her body is slowly giving into the cancer. I'm not too sure about what all of that means but I know that she's cold. And if she gets sick, she could die. So that's why we always have to wash our hands and everything before we come into her room. I would hate for anyone to get my mom sick and for her to die earlier than she's supposed to.

"Did you like school? Did you like the backpack I ordered for you?" Mom shudders once her wrap my arms around her and she curls into me as I climb onto the bed. She's really small, even smaller than she used to be. I know it's because no matter how hard she tries, she can't keep food down. And she's not even doing it on purpose. It's because her body doesn't want food. It's like it knows that it's dying and just wants to get it over with....kind of like I do. Not because I want my mom gone but because I don't want to see her suffer anymore.

"Yeah, no one else in my class has one like it," I beam at her and she smiles back. She says my smile brightens up her whole day. I think she's over exaggerating but I still smile as big and as hard as I can for her, just to show that I haven't given up hope, even if I really have.

"You're getting so big and beautiful," she likes to play with my hair. And a part of me understands that she wishes she still had some hair of her own but she would never complain about that. Mom never complains about anything.

"Did your dad feed you? He better not be starving my baby," baby. I was supposed to have a baby brother, before things started getting bad, but mom lost him. She said that they needed an angel up in heaven for an emergency and the perfect person for it would be my baby brother. So that's where he is now. An angel up in heaven. And maybe when mommy is done being sick, she can go up there and join him. I'm sure they're always in need of angels.

"Yes I fed her," dad walks into the room, scratching the hair on his face with a bit of a smile on his lips. He hasn't really been smiling lately so I'm surprised that he is. And he's looking at mommy like she's the best thing in the world. I hope that one day, someone will look at me like that.

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