Chocolate Boy

Chapter 2

Changes are inevitable. Everything changes in life and I was not an exception...I changed. I changed a lot indeed and it was not for good. After the day Siwon left to the army my whole life changed drastically. In my house. In my family. Damn!
My dad was driving his car to the airport for a new business trip when he crashed because of the sliding road. It had rained a lot for days. And my dad lost his life right there. I lost him. I never saw him again. That day changed my life forever. I guess it was the moment I left my infancy behind.

The innocence in me...disappeared from my life forever.
It was the time to grow up. That horrible incident made my brain forget a lot of things. I was in shock for a long time. I don't remember about his funeral or the people who showed me their respects. I don't remember a lot of details about what happened later.
I just remember the letter that Siwon sent me from the army because I still keep it in my box with his memories.

Dear Kyuhyun:
I have no words to express the deep pain in my heart because of the loss of your father. At this moment I wish I could be at home with your family but it is impossible. Your dad was a good man. He loved your mom, Teukkie and you. He worked hard to give all of you a comfortable life. A real gentleman indeed. We are going to miss him very much for sure. I would like to be there and support you and your family in these hard moments. Please be sure that I will be thinking of you and that I will be sending you my love. You are always on my mind, chocolate boy. Never forget that.
Always yours,
Siwon

I treasured his letter and I read it a lot of times. Somehow it made me feel good that I counted on him even though I was sure he loved me as a little brother.
He stayed in the army but I changed. I needed to grow up and continue with my life knowing that I wouldn't have a father anymore. My brother Leeteuk went to College out of the city and my mom drowned her pain in the alcohol. All of us were living their lives by their own. Alone. Empty.

That was the moment when I really became aware of the death and I got a new knowledge. I closed myself in my own world to avoid suffering the same pain again.
But I was wrong and I was a stupid. Really stupid. My mom continued inviting Siwon to have dinner every time he had a free time from the army. But this time, she always received him with soju on the table. Alcohol was part of her miserable life now. I loved my mom but I couldn't keep on living with her like that. She didn't care about me or my brother as she used to be. After my dad's tragedy, my mom became another woman.

I had freedom when I was supposed to have a hard hand guiding my steps. I was a confused teenager struggling with a lot of emotions inside my head so I took advantage of my freedom and I became a revel.

When I turned seventeen years old, I had experienced everything that parents don't want their teenage son to experience. Yes, I changed a lot. I chose the bad road: alcohol, cigarettes, parties, sex and...men. I experienced all. I had no idea what to do with my life. I didn't know what I really wanted...well one thing was sure like crystal clear to me:
I loved Siwon. I still loved him but he was right in one thing, when I grew up, many girls and boys felt attracted to me like honey to bees. I became beautiful. At least I received many compliments by girls and even boys all the time. I was aware of my looks and I liked that somehow. It felt great to have the attention of people now.

I dated with a lot of boys because I also felt comfortable with telling my mom and brother that I was not into girls. None of them seemed to be affected or care about it. Even Siwon said nothing when he realized that I was dating boys and not girls. He said nothing and let me be. But I still remember his dark eyes and judging expression every time he watched the boys I dated. He was always over protective with me. He seemed to analyze every boy. I was afraid of his look and I hated when he saw me just as a little brother. I hated it.