Silent Mode

Sunday

Twelve A.M.

and I just got out of bed. Everyone at home's out - all on their sunday's bests. I on the other hand, wore boxers and the biggest shirt in my closet. The woodsy scent of my room clung to my clothes.

I inhaled deeply, "Home."

Like every college student on a week end at home: I made myself a cup of coffee, grabbed my phone, and had no plans on taking a bath or planning for my future.

It was then when I felt a minor tumble in my stomach - like a lowly  growl of thunder from a distant storm. Perhaps sipping a cup of coffee at noon without breakfast was a bad thing. What was actually-really-surprisingly bad was that I received a text from Jace.

Jace!

The sight of his name and face on my phone sent chills down my spine and a tingling warmth on my cheeks. How long has it been since I've seen this contact?

I slowly swiped my thumb to the right. Sweat immediately stained my screen as the lock slithered away. Yum! Anxiety for breakfast.

Jace: Hey

(Sent 9:25)

Gosh, it sounded urgent (due to the lack of a single punctuation - very sincere). His texts never exceeded my expectations, actually, or maybe I was a bit too wishful since it's been a literal year since our last chat.

My cheeks reddened and my mouth voluntarily curved upwards. I did my best to suppress my sudden rise of emotion but it was sure an effort.

Where did all the valuable lessons about controlling your feelings go, David? Weren't the WikiHow tutorials enough to stop you from begging him to be your friend again? Because if there was one thing to pick up from a year of annoying your friends by sulking every time you saw him, it'd be to let go of the people who wanted to.

Of course, ain't nobody got time for that!

It was actually a funny - but pathetic story, really.

So there I was, ready to face college as an independent citizen of earth who carried fantasies of having a hot likewise homosexual roommate that I could bang and be cheesy with (it didn't happen).

There was also this innate fear of being rejected by a society dominated by the Catholics. I honestly couldn't comprehend how I got lucky with being friends with a group of unmistakably straight and decent-looking young men.

At first I was nervous and closeted of course but I felt that I had to pick off each prickle that stopped me from being (cough) happy. Plus I'm miles away from home - no one knew me in the city, why not experiment?

I started with Matt - our de facto leader. He's all around and sincerely valued friendship better than anyone. We were at the campus' parking lot when I came out. Since then, we grew closer because he said he appreciated my trust.

Thanks to Matt, I found the courage to come out to Chris next. I was reluctant before since he's - shall I say - devoted. He was surprisingly accepting and comforting. Whether I am condemned or not in his religion, it didn't matter.

Then Mark - he's a good dancer.

Finally, Jace. We were close. Like, arms-over-shoulders-man-cuddling-close. To him I was most afraid of coming out to. He was a very nice friend but I heard stories about him and the 'third kind' or so he called. "It's okay with me, man," he told me with a pat on the back. We were drifting away back then. He's probably heard whispers when we started getting dimmer and dimmer.

I was ignorant to not give him space back then. Stupid, I know. How could I let his distance affect me when there were three people who already offered their open arms. Then I realized what was wrong...