when I was 12
I built these walls around myself
and I wasn't sure why I was always crying
and I wasn't sure why I was never trying
but I felt that if I built these walls around myself
then maybe a guy would never break my fragile heart
and maybe those shitty words people spoke to me wouldn't burn deep in my skull
but as I began to grow older my walls became thinner
and I began letting too many people into my dark world
I was falling in love.
I fell in love with you and I trusted you with my entire fucking life
but you took me for granted
you didn't just drop my heart, no
you slammed it on the ground and you fucking stomped on it
you belittled me and made me feel like I was nothing
you told me it was okay not to surround myself with walls and I had the fucking audacity to believe you
I should've kept my walls up.
to this day my vision still blurs and all I can see
is the color of your goddamn eyes
and your bright smile
God I hate you I hate you so much for making me feel this way
you made my walls completely crumble and I forgot how to love so I started trying to fill the hole you left with useless shit
every person i began to fall for after that made the same trail.
I had began to slowly reconstruct my thin walls when I first got that message from you telling me you wanted me to be yours
I gave in I gave in to your kind words and your hopes and dreams of us
you told me you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me but that turned out to be the biggest fucking lie you could have ever told
you took lies over me and you left me bleeding to fucking death left alone to rebuild my walls yet again.
I had just began to glue my walls together with my weak limbs when you came along and you told me that I was just like you and that I was different.
I should've known from the start that you weren't right when you would let your friends VERBALLY ABUSE ME and you would just watch them with this smile on your face
but I didn't care.
I let you belittle me and I let you destroy me because I fucking loved you.
and I finally get to you
with every last bit of fucking energy left in me for the fourth time I began to piece my walls back together and I promised myself this time
this time id keep them up and I wouldn't fall in love
but you came and the bad thing is you aren't intending to hurt me
you don't know you're hurting me
you don't know that I'm absolutely in love with you and it's starting to make my walls come down again
and sometimes I want to just kill myself because I feel too broken to go on.
lately my walls have been paper thin
and I feel my only friend is the razor blade I hold with shaky hands
and sometimes I feel my only way out is a rope around my neck or a gun to my head or pills down my throat
and it all started with one boy that I let destroy my walls and force me to believe I was nothing
every time a kid at school calls me "disgusting" my walls begin to crack
and I know one day I will explode
tick tick tick
is the time bomb counting down until I finally fucking explode.
next time I fall in love, spit in my face
because people like me, no one falls in love with us
we are those lonely people that fake smiles and look in the mirror ashamed of what we see because the person we love won't fucking love us back.
I guess maybe I should learn strength instead of letting my walls fall
but until then,
my walls stay paper thin.
