most letters start out with "dear blank" or "hey, blank!"
but this letter isn't something with a proper opening
I grew up getting told that smiles can hide the darkest secrets
and that sometimes the ugliest of people have the most beautiful of smiles
but when I saw you my mind and my heart came to a screeching stop
your smile told me that all the crap I had heard growing up was a lie and that the most beautiful people had the most beautiful smiles and in my head you were the most beautiful human being I had ever laid eyes on.
I remember telling myself that I was going to talk to you even if it was going up to you and asking if you liked bread I was going to fucking talk to you even if it killed me.
after a god damn month of telling myself that I finally worked up the nerve to fucking talk to you
your voice made my fragile heart melt and my chapped lips tremble
and I appreciated the way your eyes would brighten when you smiled
you just came into my life and changed it.
I remember this long night when I was thinking of taking my life
and you stayed up with me and you made me feel like I had an actual purpose.
I began to fall in love with you.
we became best friends slowly after that and I was slowly falling more and more in love with you
and it wasn't just the love where I'd blush when I'm near you or the little puppy love that lasts a week
I was full fucking in love with you
to the point where when I was near you my lips would shake with every word I spoke and my palms would began to sweat
and my heart would beat so fast I didn't know if it was going to explode or not.
the mention of your name would make me smile and the sound of your voice would make my heart make that familiar
thump thump thump
and when I was with you
I would forget about how sad I was or how shitty my life was
you gave me purpose.
every night before bed you would tell me you loved me and I'd get so fucking happy
then I'd remember it's platonically
and I wonder if you know that when I tell you I love you it's a hell of a lot different than when you tell me you love me
I wonder if you hear how loud my heart beats when I'm near you
or how comfortable I feel when I'm hugging you
you tell me you love me
and when I say "I love you too" I mean it as in
"I'm fucking in love with you and I want to spend my life with you god damn it"
can't you see me screaming and crying that I'm in love with you?!
but
there's another girl
she's smart she's pretty she doesn't have bad acne or a chubby stomach
she's fucking perfect and she's everything I'm not
I mean hey I'm nice and all and I'm kinda cute but he needed so much fucking more than that
he needs perfection and
THATS NOT ME
I love you and I'm glad you're happy with her
but I want you with me
I sit here trapped in my thoughts thinking about what it would be like to kiss you or hold you or call you mine
but I remind myself that
IT ISNT GOING TO FUCKING HAPPEN.
you love her, not me
I need to get over the thought of how good we'd be together
because I'm not good enough for you
but every day I will continue faking this smile and holding my tears back giggling as I say I'm happy for you
when I'm really dying on the inside
my heart is withering away and every time I see you with her a piece of me begins to fucking deteriorate
because you not only stole my heart you stole my whole being
every time I see you kissing her
I bite my chapped lips until they bleed
and every time I see you hugging her and I destroy my fragile body
and every time I see you smiling at her I cry just a bit harder
because you're the reason I don't bite my lips you're the reason I don't destroy myself you're the reason I smiled
but I'm not yours
you're smiling because of her not me.
and every time you tell me about her I just smile and listen along quietly
but on the inside I'm screaming and crying because I'm fucking in love with you
WHY CANT YOU SEE THAT IM IN LOVE WITH YOU
even if it takes years ill fucking wait for you
even if I'm old and my skin is wrinkly and blotchy and my eyes aren't the bright blue that they used to be and I'm waisting my days away on a breathing machine
I will still be in love with you and I will still be waiting
so, to the person who is holding my heart,
i hope she's worthy enough to be holding yours.
