Protective Secrets (The Protective Series, Book 3)

Chapter Twelve

My gaze kept straying downward to the black messenger bag lain across my lap. I didn't know how I managed to do it - sneaking drugs on to a plane undetected - but it brought me a huge sense of relief. Hopefully when I landed, I could easily hand over the heroin to Tina without any hassles. She would have a better idea about what to do with it than I did.

My days of resorting to drugs were far behind me, and that's exactly where I planned to keep them. After what happened the first time I took H, I hoped I never had to see the white powdery stuff ever again for as long as I lived.

The whole situation would have been a whole lot worse if Asko hadn't come outside to find me. My heart throbbed painfully inside my chest when I thought back to the memory. He put up with so much back then, up to and including my trail to self-destruction. Yet, he never once gave up on me. He could have easily turned his back on me and walked away, but he chose to remain by my side through the worst time of my life.

No, Jed, an old, familiar voice spoke in the back of my mind. It was you who turned your back on your friends.

I exhaled a sigh and closed my eyes, leaning the back of my head against the headrest. My ears became blocked the higher the plane ascended into the air, but I made no effort to pop them and restore my hearing. The sounds around me were already chaotic enough without having to listen to screaming kids, snoring, and people watching movies on their devices without the use of headphones.

This was my first time flying alone, and it felt absolutely, horribly empty. I would have given anything right then just to be able to have Asko and Jarmo sitting beside me, laughing over anecdotes that happened over four years ago. Whether or not I liked it, I had no other choice but to admit to myself that I missed them so much it hurt; both physically and mentally.

Come to think of it, I couldn't even remember the last time I had a proper conversation with Jarmo - not counting the time he laughed about me sleeping for over ten hours before we were due to appear for an album launch. And for that matter, what did he even look like now? The last time I saw him, his black hair had been down to his neck and he had the slightest trace of stubble above his upper lip. His body had been growing more muscular from all of the intense gym and training sessions, coming close to Asko's solid build.

I tried to visualise him behind my eyelids, standing there with his fists deep in his pockets like always. Except, only this time, the image was fading. His entire face was just one big blur, bearing no features at all. It was like being stuck in a terrifying horror movie with no foreseeable escape, surrounded by nothing but twisted, faceless monsters.

Next, I tried to visualise what Asko would look like in the present. Would his hair still be in a quiff? Would it be longer? A different colour? I had no idea, and that's what upset me the most. Deep down, I still had feelings for him. I was supposed to know deep within my heart what he should look like, but I didn't. That part of my memory had faded away almost completely from the constant suppression. I locked away as many old, painful memories as I could when I left the group.

Now, I was starting to regret it.

Hell, I regretted leaving them behind. They were my best friends. They were always there to catch me when I fell, or tell me off if I was acting too stupid. Without them, I lost the wind from underneath my wings. The saddest part was, it took me up until this very moment to realise it.

I'd been incredibly selfish. They needed me, and I let them down.

This band needs you - I need you.