Why. Am. I. So. Stupid? Seriously? Why do I have to kiss her back? Why do I have to be so weak and fall in her game so easily? Why can’t I be consequent? But what’s worse, why do I have to enjoy it so much? Damn you, Kay! I hate you so much for making me feel like this, for making me swallow my own words all the time, for scaring me with your words, for making me want you when you touch me.
What if I get a restraining order?
“Ugh!”
Stupid Louis. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Weak. Stupid!
I bang my head against the wall —not hard, of course, I’m not that stupid— with each word, and I do mumble them, with my teeth gritted. I haven’t even gone to my room, I’m just in the empty hall, banging my forehead because I hate myself for being weak, for hugging and kissing her back, for holding her. And for wanting more! Because, goddammit! I want to go back there and kiss her again, because I did enjoy that night together and because even when I want to forget about it, when I want to regret every single minute, I can’t. And she doesn’t make it easier!
How am I supposed to forget what happened between us if she is constantly reminding me of that night? Kissing me, touching me, whispering in my ear, telling me how much she enjoyed it. How can I forget about that night when she keeps telling me how much she thinks about that and how she wants to repeat it? I fight the flashbacks, but I’m just a man, I can’t be that strong.
“Ugh!” I groan again, with another bang against the wall with my forehead.
“Louis?” a deep voice asks and I freeze, closing my eyes tightly because I’ve been caught acting weird… again. “You okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. Just hating myself, you know? What about you, Harry?” I reply, trying to act normal, getting away from the wall. He looks confused but kind of amused and I would like to know what’s going through his mind.
“Your forehead is red… for how long have you been doing that and why? If you don’t mind me asking,” Harry speaks and I sigh, rubbing my hand on my forehead. It hurts, I just realise that now.
“A while… I just did something stupid, that’s all.” He cocks his head to the right, as his smile grows wider. “I had to punish my brain cells, you know.”
Harry laughs at my statement but doesn’t ask further, instead he approaches and wraps his arm around my shoulder. “I missed your stupid comments. Anyways, may I do something to help? To punish your brain cells?” he asks looking at me seriously and I pretend to think about it, which makes him laugh harder. “You can always tell me what happened, you know right?”
I sigh. I guess I could tell him and maybe he could help me. He’s my best friend, after all. Maybe he knows why I’m doing these stupid things and why I act like this with Kay. Maybe he could even help me to figure her out, but I’m not really sure how to explain everything. All these events are still in a messy nest in my mind, and I can’t even begin to untangle the parts because it gives me headache.
“If you can keep my mind away from this for an hour, I’d be forever grateful. Five-ever grateful,” I tell him and he chuckles again.
“Considering I don’t even know what ‘this’ is, I shall try. What if we go outside and give some heart attacks to German fans?” he proposes but I hesitate.
First: fans, which means mostly girls, and I’m not fond of girls. Second: if they see Harry and I together, all the rumours will start again and since Eleanor and I broke up, the fans have been even more annoying about the whole topic. If they see us hanging out, they will start crying and saying that we are finally together and they will say mean things to Hannah and Harry will get upset and hurt. Not a good idea.
YOU ARE READING
Bitter & Sassy (Louis Tomlinson)
Fanfiction{book 4} - ❝ All women are the same. One day they say they love you, that they are gonna be with you forever; the next they meet someone else, someone who can be with them when they need it, someone who shares their world. And then they tell you “bu...
