Everyone was right. I lost Kay because I was the biggest douche and I didn’t see the kind of girl who was fighting for me but she gave up. Who can blame her for that, though? It’s a miracle she tried for so long. I would’ve given up the second day. And after all I made her go through? After hurting her for so long? I’m really impressed she didn’t kill me.
So I lost Kay. She walked away and now, like the big arsehole I am, I realise what I feel for her. I guess it’s been clear for everyone but me. Now I know why I was so jealous when we met Dave. Now I know why I felt like that every time she touched me. Now I know why I couldn’t resist her. Now I know why I couldn’t stop thinking of her. Now I know I was falling for her, slowly, fearfully, but surely falling for her until I reached rock bottom. Yes, I fell for Kay and I realise that the moment she walks away.
Do I get an award for that or what?
Seriously, how typical yet stupid is that? How much of an idiot do you have to be to let a woman like Kay walk away? Oh let me tell you, you have to be Louis Tomlinson idiot to do that.
How easily do tables turn, uh? I was a coward who couldn’t take a risk before when there was no real risk. Kay always proved me she was serious, that she really meant this. I mean, she coped with my shit for so long and she still managed to smile at me, to help me. What further proof do I need? But now she can’t take the risk but she has a reason to, because all what I’ve proved to her is that I’m a coward who doesn’t know how to manage anger and heartbreak. I’ve shown her that I’m an idiot who blames everyone because that’s the easiest thing to do.
Kay has all the right to believe she can’t trust in me! I myself can’t be sure!
But I want her, I— I love her. I love the little feisty Kay who didn’t give up no matter how much shit I threw at her until she couldn’t take it anymore. The girl who can light up a room with her smile. The gracious girl who always looks like she is dancing instead of walking. The optimist and strong girl who can’t be brought down with words. The girl who put a fight for a lost cause. The girl who learnt to ignore other’s opinions. The girl who only wanted to help a poor idiot and who got hurt. I love my sassy Kay Evans.
I know it’s late and that I should’ve realised this long time ago, but I just hope it isn’t too late. But it seems like it is because no matter what I do, I can’t find Kay. Peter answers me that he can’t tell me where she is, but that I shouldn’t bother her because she is working on the documentary. So we shoot my part with him, I do everything that he tells me to do but I can’t stop thinking of her. I try to find her again, every day, but it’s pointless. I never see her and if I ask someone for her whereabouts, no one tells me shit. And with every day that passes I only confirm how I feel about her and that I have to do something.
By the time we finish with the second part of the European tour I know exactly what I have to do, but it’s too late. Jeannine tells me that Kay has finished the documentary, at least the shooting part, so now she won’t come with us anymore. She has finished her job with us and has cut contact with all of us.
I definitely lost her just when I realise how much I love her. How much I’ve loved her for a long time. She started to change me the moment she teased me with Starbucks cups, throwing at me the things that made me angry just so I would understand that I was being an idiot. And I started to love her the day I saw her crying for the kids a You Matter, when she revealed me a different side. And I only fell deeper when I kissed her back, when I lost control of my emotions. And when we slept together I signed the contract to fall madly in love with her.
Things could’ve been so different if I had realised this before.
And now she is gone and I don’t even remember where she lives so I can try to talk to her. I was drunk and busy kissing her when we left the club that first night together, and then too lost in my thoughts on my way back to know how I left and got home. I try to remember now but it’s futile, it’s all blurry in my mind. The hole in my chest grows larger and larger but I don’t let myself get sad. No, I keep a smile. She did so much for me to get better, to understand all the things I was doing wrong. I can’t throw all that away again. I fucked things up with her, but in sake of her effort I will make amends now. I won’t step on all her hard work, what she did won’t be worthless.
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Bitter & Sassy (Louis Tomlinson)
Fanfiction{book 4} - ❝ All women are the same. One day they say they love you, that they are gonna be with you forever; the next they meet someone else, someone who can be with them when they need it, someone who shares their world. And then they tell you “bu...
