I Broke My Own Heart

Just So You Know

I never knew what it felt like, until now.

You were my first, not my last.

One year and two months,

Laughter,

Long Conversations,

Fights,

Disagreements,

Compromises,

... A lot more fights.

It's been crazy, that I wont deny.

One hell of a ride.

You're one hell of a drug.

I call you crazy,

But I'm crazy, too.

I know I'm not easy to deal with.

But neither were you.

I tried, you know?

Even when you said I wasn't.

I spent my whole life before you building those walls,

My defenses.

It's not going to collapse overnight.

I guess, me trying wasn't enough.

Yes, I have issues.

Don't we all?

Trust issues. Commitment issues. Social anxiety.

 Just to name a few. 

So, I'm sorry.

Stuff like this with me takes time.

I told you this over a dozen times.

I was honest with you from the start.

You wanted what I couldn't give.

And you made me feel bad for it.

Sometimes, I got a feeling you did that on purpose.

Did you like making me feel bad?

You're intelligent and witty.

You're also manipulative.

You knew how to play games,

I was a beginner.

I let you play me.

For a while, I didn't see it...

  But you were also, gentle, sweet, and caring.  

... Damn, I miss you.

I love you. Nothing will change that.

It may not be the type of love you wanted out of me.

But I'm giving you what I can.

I know we aren't good for each other..

But fuck,

It hurts.

Not hearing your voice,

Your laugh.

But I know this,

What we have is toxic.

It sucks,

I try not to let any of this show.

But I'm only human, right?

Fuck...