.......idk again
Im giving myself a mulagan before i do what i told myself i was gonna do. I can't translate the thoughts to words. It's just all so hard. Doing this. To keep on going. And for what. So i ca. Feel even worse the next day. I often ask myself y do u keep on going. And i tell myself. I don't know. I have no more reason but yet i hold back. Im i too weak. Idk. Is it fear? Whatever it is I guess i have it to thank. But im not too sure i agree with it. Letting me stag but also enduring all the pain. I guess in stronger than I thought i was so thats good right. But even if im not human. Im something else. Theres got to be a limit right? Maybe I already hit the limit but its that unknown force that keeps me going. Well idk. And i said more today than i though capable. Well I now know not to wait for lets just say "it" anymore because I already got used to being without it. Then i get a taste of it and off i go. The euphoric feeling of feeling fine. So no more waiting for it. It's not coming back. Thats that. Ive accepted that. So whatever.
What am i?
A monster? How can i do this. And....and.
Idk
Why...
Well I guess im waitting another useless day. And im probably not getting what i want most for Christmas. No matter how simple it really is and how trivial.
Not even something people usually want. Money, fame, love, none of that is what im wishing for
But it don't matter no mor.
As long as im gone then things can go back to being whatever they were before. Fine. Good whatever. All i ever did was fuck it up. Being selfish and wanting a little happiness for myself for once well im done. Happy now life. I wont wish for it anymore because you've obviously decided not to give it to me. Sadly i cant leave just yet there r still things that need to be accomplished.
But hey im proud of u niinii. U started this part only thinking of haveing 20 words at most. But now you have a ton. So thats good. You done did good I guess. Welp. Until next time then. Bai self
