Do you ever lay awake at night?
Watching the stars in an empty horizon.
No, I doubt you do.
Its rare to see, people's wishes come true.
In a city with all lights, stars are but a few.
You've ever stared in a mirror
Hearing your demons taunt you?
I have,every time I see myself
All I see is red.
This isn't a poem.
This isn't fake.
It's my memories,my worries and fears
All on one page.
I hate the person I am.
I really do,
I look in the mirror and I hate what I do.
My scars define me
My stretch marks, leave me wishing I could hide away.
I was 5 when I was sexually abused by my cousin.
Left me, dead inside. Broken, blamed for leading him on.
When I was too young to know right from wrong..
I was 12, when I first learned masturbation.
When I learned the pleasure from sex.
And when I become one like many who followed the internet.
I read tales, of girls like me.
Who lost their innocence, and wanted to be free.
I doubt, I'll ever be free.
Am I too long gone?
I begun to send out pictures, needing affirmation, love and attention
I never once found in a home.
Random strangers, every day, on occasion
Sexual favors, every day another song.
And I scarred myself, hated my body.
If they tell me I'm pretty..I won't ever feel sorry.
I gave myself to a world unknown.
And fell victim to traps, I was left alone.
To fight to get out, to drag myself out the pit.
I was black mailed more than once.
Well ain't that a bitch?
But it was my fault, I kept on going.
I needed something, to help me.
To show me, where I was. Where I would be..
Then. I met him.
He was years older than me.
He knew.. but I kept going anyway.
We had fun, he fed the inner demons and left me fulfilled until I found more..
More than pleasure.. more than a dark world where all I was..
was a slut.
He saw potential.
In my life, my strength and words.
So I fought, and I fought to get to the light.
And I watched a sunset.
I was there,though brief it was.
I stopped sending pictures.
I slowly begun to turn my love inward.
Writing a passion from the rage.
Until, one day.
Kisses,random a boy I crushed on.
Was nothing more than a fuck boy who wanted sex.
You know, the park was my favorite place to hide.
To hide from it all.
Be me.
Be free.
I'm still caged.
He wanted it his way..
So I'm back to square one..
Sexually abused and teary eyed.
Lying in bed, wishing to die.
Having to see him face to face.
Never able to forget.. but its your fault right?
You led him, on..
I was back in the dark.
And even he couldn't drag me out the light.
Eventually he dissipated..
Too busy to heal my wounds.
So I started anew..
I met a few people,
a sweetheart with a body like a vixen..
she left me behind..
I met a guy.
A gentlemen...but he didn't know of my past.
I couldn't tell him.
Not yet..
And in between that time, moments appeared before my life and death.
They all just wanted sex..
I only met a girl.
Who wanted what was best for my heart and soul..
She left me broken,cold and alone.
My heart was gone.
No where to be found.
I was still a slut, just easier to hide.
You know, I doubt I'll escape this life.
He makes me feel like I will, this sweet guy.
He makes me feel like I'm worth it.
But how would he feel if he knew I'm a lie.
A slut, a whore, some random girl who goes around fucking guys?
Ironically,
I'm a virgin.
But I feel like I lost that long ago.
"Purity" Is a sick man made joke.
I just miss her.
Who I used to be.
An innocent child, who was happy and free.
So now where do I stand?
Who is this?
Well. I'm me.
I'm breaking out, he's helping me.
My scars are healing, time fleets from my fingertips.
And he's by my side.
I think, freedom.
Is a word.
That can't be described so easily.
It's the feeling I get, when I know I can smile.
Where the world isn't on my shoulders and I carry myself with love.
When, I can truly look in the mirror.
And see a person.
See my worth.
Beyond those old,weary brown eyes.
Do you see the light?
This is my confession.
-S
