I Wish I Loved You

26: I'll Read It However...

26: "I'll Read It However The Hell I Want."

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[Anastasia's POV]

At first, I cried because all I could do was cry. I wasn't like Tyler, who I now learned liked to deal with grief by not dealing with it. Then, what he was doing seemed to be working so I tried it.

"C'mon, Stace, get up." Mackenzie said a full week later as she sat next to me on the bed. I didn't do anything to respond, I just did what I'd been doing for a while. I continued to stare out of the bedroom window.

Mac sighed, "Would you at least tell me when I last time you took a shower was..." I shrugged, "or maybe where Tyler is?

"Work." I deadpanned, my voice hoarse.

"Work? He just left you like this?"

" I told him to. He was avoiding it, Mackenzie, he's avoiding me." And just like that the dam was broken again.

"Oh, sweetie, no he's not."

"Yes, he is. He's avoiding me because I am carrying a dead baby inside of me, his baby, and he blames me. Do you know he doesn't even look at me, he won't look at me? Not in the eyes, not ever."

"I'm sure, he doesn't blame you." She stroked my tangled hair.

"I know does."

"I think we should talk about this after you take a shower." I didn't have the energy to say otherwise, so I just nodded.

After getting me a shower she brought me food in the room. We were sitting there after I ate a little bit, after that small portion, I pretty much just pushed the rest around into plate before staring out of the window.

She sighed. "Fine, you're not going to eat?" I shook my head. "For the babies?"

"They're fine. I'll die before they do." I replied in a monotone voice. "Can I please just get some sleep?"

"You've been in here, sleeping, for days."

Without looking at her, I said, "Crying and sleeping are two different things, Mackenzie."

When she paused I glanced over, "... Alright, go ahead. I'll be in the kitchen if you need me."

I nodded absently and climbed under the covers as she picked up the plate and left the room. Before she left I called her name.

"Yeah?" she turned around and stuffed her phone in her back pocket.

"Will you close the curtains? It's too bright."

She set the plate down and did as I asked before walking out again, grabbing the plate in her way. I was so tired- of my reality, of crying- that when sleep threatened to pull me under, I didn't fight.

•

•

•

So this is what happiness felt like.

I thought I'd experienced this emotion in my life already. When I got accepted to college, when I got engaged, maybe even when I got married - but no, I was wrong. This was it.

"Anastasia Meyers, let me see the damn paper."

"No, Ty, you've seen it."

We both sat up in bed. He reached for it, but I held it as far away as possible. "Yeah, once and I couldn't read it; you took it away too fast."