FTM Transition Journal

12.16.15

I know I haven't been typing an updating this as much as I would like, but I think I have a schedule down so we'll see how it goes. I'm not the best at updating consistantly lol. 

I have a crush. On a gay man. He's one of my best friends. I know I can trust him so I told him how I felt about my gender and sexuality. He was the best person to talk to about it. I feel like we understand eachother and it was nice to talk to someone new about it and get a new perspective. I really like him. I mean, its not a normal crush. I fell in love with him while we texted. Which is probably the worst way a pansexual can fall for someone because you really see their personality by the way they text. He's the cutest person ever and we have a ton in common and he's just great wow.

Also, I got a crapton of band merch for christmas <3 <3 and the new guitar hero live game!! c: I've been addicted to it, and playing it nonstop since I downloaded it on my xbox. 

Anyways, actual trans stuff: I haven't been binding because I haven't gone out and had to pass for strangers lol. I got a lot of makeup from family members for christmas and i've been working with making myself look more masc with it c: I can't pack rn because period... So its been a pretty femme Christmas break. But its ok, because the few times I have gone out and actually interacted with people I have passed as male so i guess it works. 

I think i can use the makeup i got to make my brows really masc, and contour my nose and jawline to make myself more masc too. I've been working on an exercise plan to build muscle too, and I'm getting back onto a plant based diet this semester because damn, I've been slacking. I feel like building muscle will make me more confident and if I can give myself a broader build, I might be more masc and comfortable. Plus, who wasn't happy while exercising and eating clean and happy. I promised myself I won't relapse back into the eating disorder because I'll focus on getting enough nutrition to build muscle instead of seeing how far I can restrain myself from nutrients. 

I'm feeling pretty confident about 2016. It could be my year. 2015 sucked ass pretty bad. It was just a major landslide, so I'm gonna work on bringing myself back up from that. This year I'm going to really work on myself. Maybe if I get my shit together, I can help other people too, or actually have time to relationship? idk. I just know that I'm putting my comfort and health on the top of my own list this year for my sake because I think I'll really benefit from it.