Please Just Let Me Stay

Chapter 1

I'm not sure when exactly I began shutting myself off. 

It's not like I meant to... It just sorta happened, y'know? 

At first, I lessened the amount of band practices. Mike and Tre repeatedly asked me why, and the only answer I could think of to reply was, "I just need more time to myself, y'know? To like write and shit..."

"Okay, Billie."

And that was that.

Eventually, band practices cut down to only one a week. And during those practices, we didn't even have our usual charisma. Mostly due to me. Well, completely due to me.

I don't even know what's wrong  with me. That's the worst part. It's like I'm permanently waiting to feel better so I can go back to being myself, but it never comes. I want to tell my two best friends in the world what's wrong... But I just can't.

Mike has Brittany, Brixton, and Ryan. He has a family who needs him, and I don't need to be added to his list of who to worry about.

Tre is like me. Not married, no kids, lives alone, and has no other responsibilities besides music. Him and I have gotten so incredibly close recently, maybe even too close.

I have feelings for Tre. Feelings for him that typical friends don't have towards one another. I see Tre has the most perfect human being to ever walk the Earth, and I want to  tell him that. I want to be with him. Hell, I just want him. 

But Tre doesn't feel the same. Not because he's strictly straight... he's bisexual like me. But no one could ever love such a fuck up like me. My music has lost its charisma, my personality is draining away, I look and feel like absolute shit, and I've become so depressed that I've ventured into the world of self harm.

When we were in high school, I cut myself. Mike didn't know about it for a few months, and he would've never known if I hadn't been so stupid as to let one of my shirt sleeves creep up. Mike started crying when he saw, and helped me get through it. But now... now he has different people to love. And we're both grown men. It's one thing for a depressed teenager with no outlet to express their anger and frustration through pain, but a grown man should know better.

That's my problem. I know how stupid and moronic it is, but when I get to that low point, it seems to make so much sense. Then after I finish, I come back to my senses and realize how stupid I am.

Yet, here I am. Sitting in my bathroom, a razor blade in one hand, and a towel in the other. My eyes were letting tear after tear fall, and I was too distressed to even bother wiping them up. 

All I could hear was silence. Silence. That's always been my greatest enemy. When my father died, I locked myself in my room with the only source of comfort being Blue, my guitar. That helped me tremendously, and eventually I started to come around. 

I feel myself repeating my past in that sense. I sit in my house day and night rejecting the phone calls from Tre and Mike. I just can't bring myself to talk to them. 

But then pounding on the door shook me out of my daze.

"Billie! C'mon lemme in, it's raining!"

Tre. The person I wanted to see the most, yet was scared to death to confront.

I hurriedly slipped on my hoodie to prevent Tre from seeing my arms, and ran down the stairs to unlock the french doors.

There he stood. With spiked hair, black skinny jeans, an old Kerplunk tee, and converse. All I could think was how amazing he looked to me.

"Hey, Tre." I greeted warmly.

"Billie, man, where have ya been?" he asked as he kicked off his shoes and took a seat on the couch.

"Oh... y'know... just been hanging around." 

He looked up at me and motioned for me to sit next to him on the leather sofa. 

"BJ, you look like shit. How much weight have you lost?"

Was I thinner? Hmm... I didn't even notice.

I shrugged and offered him a beer. Surprisingly, he turned it down and looked for a movie.

"I've missed you, Billie Joe. And I'm worried, so let's have a good day today. Alright?'

"Yeah, sure. Just quit acting so serious and go back to being the crazy fucker you are."

He threw his head back and laughed as he put in Animal House. When he sat down, he sat close enough to where our thighs were touching. Our hands were rested near each other as well, and I could feel the ghostly touch of his fingertips. 

For some reason my heart started beating a little faster. As it gradually sped up, tears began to prick the corner of my eyes. My brain started screaming things at me. I kept repeating over and over again how terrible of a person I was. I tried to keep it all inside, but I'm not sure it was working.

"Hey, why are you crying?"

Tre's voice broke my mental war. I tried to stop, but the tears kept coming harder and faster.

The pad of his thumb swept away a few of the tears, and before I knew it,  he had me enveloped in a hug.

At first, I struggled. I don't need his help. I don't need him. He doesn't need, or even want me. But within a few minutes I found him as such a grounding sense of comfort that I went completely limp in his arms.

"Tre... please don't let go. Please, please, please..." I cried into his chest.

"Shhhh, I'll never let you go. I love you too much for that, Billie Joe."

For some reason, that made me cry harder. The only thing keeping me grounded was Tre whispering in my ear and rubbing  little circles against my back. 

After what seemed like 1,000 hours, I managed to stop. I pulled back and looked into his beautiful blue eyes. He was so handsome, so sweet, so... so Tre. 

"I'm sorry I do-"

I was cut off by him shushing me.

"Billie, I know that whatever is bothering you must be pretty fucking bad. You're not yourself anymore."

I weakly nodded in agreement with him as he continued, "I love you so much and it hurts me to see you in this much pain. Please, Billie. I'm here for you to lean on."

I wrapped my arms around his neck and got as close to him as physically possible. 

"Tre, I need help, and I need it bad."

"We'll get through this together, you'll make it through."

He pulled me closer and shuffled our bodies to where we were both on the couch. His hand was scratching the back of my head softly as my face dried from all the crying. 

"Tre, do you really love me?"

"Yes, Billie. I do."

But not the same way as I love him. 

I could feel one more tear slip down my cheek.