Please Just Let Me Stay

Chapter 8

The sun beams were shining in through the window blinds. It created a striped shadow of light against the navy walls of my bedroom.
The ceiling fan was blowing cool air and I could feel it breezing upon my face. The tears that made their slow, uneasy path down my cheeks blurred my vision in the slightest way.
I was able to see everything, but without the extraordinaire detail.
Perhaps that's why I'm always sad in the way I am. I'm able to see my life pass by, but I just can't grasp the detail of how precious the time really is. I can't see the happiness in things sometimes. My vision to life is constantly blurred. I hate it, fuck I hate it so much.
Tre was laying beside me. He was naked, and I was in just my boxer briefs due to my self consciousness.
Last night, after Tre and I were finished, we laid next to each other, fingers entwined. My skin felt so tingly and we were both glistening in sweat.
I felt very odd being naked all of a sudden. Suddenly I felt as if Tre might look over at me and regret loving me.
Even with the sheets covering me, the self harm cuts seemed to glare up at me. I know they bother Tre, no matter what he says.
I had waited for him to fall asleep until I stood up to retrieve my underwear. Putting them on gave me a sense of assurance, no matter how odd that may seem.
Tre awoke when I slipped back into the bed.
"Billie, are you okay?" He had asked me in his sleepy voice.
"Yes, baby."
"Do you promise?"
He looked up at me with his beautiful eyes as he asked. There is something so pure, childish, and innocent about Tre. Sometime it takes me off guard and I'm able to feel the flutters in my stomach the same way I had when I was just a kid.
"Yes, you fucker. I promise."
Eventually, tre fell back asleep. Now, as the early morning light approaches hours later, I still find myself unable to sleep.
I was cold, but hot at the same time. My throats was dry, and I decided to get up and grab a water.
I slung my feet over the bed and stood up on the cool, hardwood floors. I passed by my full length mirror that hung on a hook on my closet door.
I knew it was a mistake to look.
My eyes stung and I got that terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach as I looked at my body. Cuts littered my skin and the longer I stared, the fatter I seemed.
Tears ran down my face.
"Stop crying." I whispered.
"Billie, stop crying." I urged myself.
But the tears just wouldn't stop.
All the pain was right here, right now.
The ceiling fan was suddenly making an unbearable sound. The air was too cold. The light from the blinds was way too bright.
My silent tears turned into loud, uncontrollable sobs.
It wasn't until I felt two hands grab both of my wrists that I realized I had been digging my nails into my skin.
Tre grabbed my wrists and used the action to bring me into him.
My sobs got louder and Tre just held me on the floor in front of the mirror.
Everything was too much.
Way too much.
I want to leave. I want to leave this place so badly.
Eventually, I caught my breath and the tears transformed into silent streams.
Tre lifted me from the floor and carried me into the bathroom. I felt like a little boy as he sat me atop the counter.
He took a wash rag and wet it with warm water. He swept the cloth under my eyes and used it as a way to wash my face.
He rewet the rag and softly patted the blood from my wrists.
It wasn't until he turned around to run some bath water that I realized he was still naked.
Time seemed to stand still as the bath filled.
He turned back to me and lifted me up to whet I was standing.
His fingers grabbed the waist band of my briefs as he silently asked me permission.
I nodded and he proceeded to slowly slide them off.
For the third time, he picked me up again and carried me into the tub.
We were seated to where his back was against the side of the bathtub, legs spread as I sat between them with my back against his chest.
"Billie... you are getting so tiny."
He whispered.
I laid my head back into the crook of his neck.
"I love you." I said aloud.
It was the first clear words I had said all morning.
"I love you too, baby boy."
I got little butterflies when he said baby boy.
He shifted a bit to wear I could dip my head in the water. He massaged shampoo and conditioner in my hair.
I did the same to him and laughed as we gave each other funny hairstyles.
When we were done, Tre grabbed my hand. He wrapped me in a big fluffy towel.
I felt like a little boy, but I loved it.
We both laid in the bed again in our fluffy towels and watched a few recorded episodes of various TV shows we both loved. Mainly, Modern Family.
I knew that he would want to talk about what happened soon. But until then, I enjoyed the moment I currently had.