Poetry from a damaged soul

Past to present to future ~edited~

I was only 7 when I first wished to die
8 when I wanted to lose weight
9 when I swallowed far too many pills
10 when I slit my wrist
11 when I hated everything and everyone
12 when I was abused in every way by my dad. He once called me his little button and his princess now I was his punching bag , sexual object and something to yell at
13 when I learned that year that no one wants me around
Now I'm 14,
Panic attacks, depression, seasonal affective disorder, EDNOS , self harm, paranoia, suicidal beyond belief, I never cry unless I'm pushed to far I never really laugh
All that I feel is pain deep inside.
My eyes do the lying and the slits all
Over my body do the crying.
I'm a goner
A lost cause
A failure at everything
A psycho
Unwanted and worthless
All I've gotten this year is a feeling of more of an alone feeling.
No one has ever said any of the words I need to hear.
No one listens
No one cares
I spill my heart out but it gets dumped out like a paint bucket getting Poured out.
Slow and painful.
One day in high school I'll be drawing or painting to some sad music and I'll notice it's missing something.
I'll grab a razor a splatter my blood around the art piece and sign my name before I faint.
I'll die doing my passion I'll die doing what keeps me sane, I'll finally become famous even though I'm dead I will finally... Be visible and valid.
But for now I'm invisible and invalid and ignored.
But just you wait, I'll be the famous suicide artist who died making my grand piece.
Edit: now I'm 15. Still the same except I've swallowed pills again once in September and second I nearly did it and made sure it was final in October. 
I still believe no one needs me
That I deserve nothing more than pain
That every bit of hurt I get its what I deserve
I fucking despise myself whole heartedly.
I'm stuck still
In a loop
Never ending , no stopping
I can't get off 
But hey.. It doesn't matter right?
I'm just a lost fucking cause