Not Alice

Chapter 6

*J's POV*

I wake up in a state of pure confusion, trying to absorb my unfamiliar surroundings. Matt is holding me tightly against his chest and soft little snores are escaping his lips. From this angle he looks almost normal, as in not like a complete douche bag. But why he and my parents let me spend the night here is beyond me. He's probably going to wake up and demand for me to leave. But for right now I just move closer to him if that's even possible and I let his warmth radiate over me and flutter my eyes shut for another few minutes.

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~ A few hours later~

I let my eyes open once more and they lock on Matt who is playing with my hair and staring down at me. It's almost like he was taking in all of my visible features while I was encompassed in the dark of slumber. Of course I found that to be odd, but who am I to judge when I basically did the same thing hours earlier.

"Good morning, my J." He grins at me and I can feel my cheeks flush.

"Good morning, Matt. But 'my J?' I don't recall becoming yours in any way. So what's with that?" He just chuckles at my confusion and runs his fingers through my hair again.

"Even if you're not mine, I believe I can give you a simple nickname. Why? Do you not like it or something?" His hands stop as if the next thing I say will change everything.

I just laugh, "It's fine with me. Just don't use it in school please. I don't need anyone asking stupid questions. Plus, one night doesn't change anything. I don't know how I feel about you yet. Sorry, it takes a lot for me to adjust to a person."

He nods his head in understanding and takes a sharp breath before saying something I'd never thought I'd hear from him, "J, you're so different from the girls around here. You're quiet, secretive, and even if you're afraid to be open with me, I still find your bits and pieces to be mesmerizing. Now I'm no expert in feelings because I don't have any myself, but your eyes light up when you see me and your cheeks get really red. Maybe you already know how you feel and you don't know how to word it. But no matter what you feel, I still want to know you. I want to discover who J is and why she's become such a mystery."

"Oh wow. I um, I really don't know what to say to that. Maybe I judged you too quickly. I mean look at us. You cuddled me like you were afraid that I was going to just leave in the middle of the night. I'm willingly lying here right now and to be honest, I have no desire to leave. And just last night we were fighting and I didn't even want to be here. I don't know what it is about you, but under all of your annoying-ness and player-like ways, you're a semi-decent person," I study his features in slight fear that I said something wrong, but I relax when I see him relax as well.

"We all jump to conclusions and judge people too quickly. It's okay. I'm just relieved to hear that I haven't creeped you out and you don't hate me. About the cuddling thing, I didn't realize I was doing it. But I guess I can't control it. I may have a reputation for being a player, but no one ever takes into consideration that someone made me that way. Not directly of course, but what they put me through sent me over the edge. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wasn't always like this," his confession leaves me with many questions that I'm not certain I should ask. I mean I'm completely closed off to him and I want him to open up to me, but that's not exactly fair.

"Well, I won't force you to explain anymore than you have already. But I'm more than willing to listen if you ever want to. I'm sorry for whatever happened back then, but that was the past. You can change your ways you know. Just because someone hurt you doesn't mean you need to change who you are. I'm not a very good advocate for this because I've change a bit myself over someone who wasn't worth that, but I don't want someone else to travel down this path. I don't want you to start closing yourself off from the world," I speak with sincerity secretly hoping he'll open up to me more. I can't help my curiosity.

"Oh it's too late for that. You know more about me than anyone around here does. I don't know why I'm telling you all of this, but I get this sense of comfort from you. I feel like I can tell you everything on my mind and I don't have to hide who I am. You make whatever roars inside me, become silent. I don't understand why that is but I guess it doesn't matter. I'm sorry if that sounds dumb, but it's true," I smile a genuine smile and what happens next is something I never thought I'd do.

I didn't get a chance to respond to what he had revealed to me. Matt pulls me closer to him and places a soft kiss on my lips. The sensation sends chills up my spine and every negative thought in head went away. This feeling is almost indescribable.

I could feel him try to pull his lips away, but I instinctively kiss him harder. Douche bag or not, he's getting to me. It's like I can't get enough of him.

The kiss turns into a heated makeout session in seconds. His hands trail down my body, resting on my hips. His touch is electrifying and I have the sudden urge to let his hands explore every inch of me. Of course I hold myself back and savor this sweet moment. He flips us so that he's lying on top of me and he grabs my boob roughly, causing a load moan to escape my lips. I could feel him smile in satisfaction through the kiss.

After a few minutes, we pull away trying to catch our breath. I can't believe that just happened, but I'm so glad it did.

"I'm sorry if you didn't like that. I-I just couldn't help myself," he looks at me with a bit of fear on his face.

"No it's okay, I promise. That was- well the feelings you gave me, I just. They're indescribable. I hope I don't sound crazy, but I've never felt anything like that before," I stare into his brown eyes and watch a smile take over his beautiful face.

"You don't sound crazy at all. I felt it too, J. What are you doing to me? I never feel things, but what happened a few minutes ago, it's just so unexpected. But I liked it, a lot. And I like you. J, I think, well- I think I'm in love with you," it was as if reality just hit me in the face.

I just shake my head sadly at him, collect my things in a hurry, and run from his house as quickly as I can. I keep running even though his desperate yelling for me to come back is making me want to stop. I run all the way to my special spot in the woods and suck in a deep breath of the cool air.

As much as I enjoyed every second of being with Matt, I can't love him. He can't love me. I can't get hurt again. I still remember every vivid detail of what he did to me. I'm so afraid that Matt will do the same thing and I'll go back to the monster I was. I knew who I was this morning, but I've changed a few times since then.