Not Alice

Chapter 8

*J's POV*
I wake up filled with more exhaustion than before I had fallen asleep. Not to mention how I can feel every ache in my body. I rub the tiredness from my eyes and glance at the clock to see that it is now 5 p.m. which meant I had slept for almost 8 hours and I could still use another 8 hours of rest.

I unlock my phone and shock takes over me. My lungs aren't filling up with air and my heart is racing in my chest. I have 10 unread messages from Matthew. Why would the devil himself message me after the events at school? My Facebook wall is filled with comments about how disgusting I am and most people praise Matt for "putting the scum in its place."

I quickly wipe away the few tears threatening to spill from my eyes before reading the messages, against my better judgement.

Matt: J I hope you enjoyed today because I know I did. You needed to be shown your place. However, it was rude of you to leave school before everyone got the chance to see what I did.
Matt: thinking about it now, you deserved every bruise you have
Matt: I understand why everyone at your old school avoided you now. You're fucking crazy
Matt: I can't wait to teach you another lesson at school tomorrow, my little punching bag
Matt: awe someone doesn't want to face me? What a loser
Matt: ignoring me isn't going to make me go away. It'll just make our next encounter worse.
Matt: what happened at my house was a mistake. I faked everything
Matt: I just want you to know how much I fucking hate you
Matt: girls like you aren't meant for guys like me
Matt: I meant what I said about you being a toy. You're hot as fuck, but aside from your looks you're disgusting.

The tears cascade down my cheeks and onto my phone screen like a never ending water fall. My chest physically hurts. My head is spinning and I can feel my lungs refusing to cooperate again. Every emotion that made me happy to leave my old school is rushing back into my mind. I hate this.

But maybe Matt was right. I've always been an outcast, even in the eyes of my family members. My mother had even told me that she didn't know she was pregnant with me at first and considered "removing me" the second she found out because she didn't think she could handle a child at that point in time. And all throughout my childhood she made it very clear that she still could not and never will be able to handle me. My sister takes the prize of being the loved child.

Realization just washed over me and it felt like a hard smack in the face. I am completely alone. I have no friends, my family thinks I'm a mistake, and the whole school thinks I'm a whore. But it could be worse right?

I quickly go on to tumblr because I can't let down my few followers whom I'd promise to post something every night to. So I turned my horrible life into a relatable tumblr post. I don't think I could become lesser of a human if I tried.

"Alone. Such a short, simple word, with a loud, poignant meaning. In all of my perils and woes, I've neglected to notice how truly alone I am. Maybe that's how it's meant to be for certain people. Perhaps there are a few individuals who deserve to live with regret and constant self vacillation. I may be abandoned forever, stuck to deal with the never ending desolation by myself. And as hard as that is to take in, I must do so before I am left crestfallen forever."

I look up from my phone with tears still pouring down my face and notice Matt looking completely besides himself in sadness through the small opening in my curtains. Why the hell is he upset? He has no right to be. I was humiliated in front of everyone today. I am completely alone in my sufferings all because of him. So what gives him the goddamn right-

My thoughts stop abruptly when I catch sight of the almost invisible tears falling from his eyes. Bad boy has the ability to cry? Who knew.

I can't bear to watch him any further so I quickly jump out of bed and pull the curtains completely closed. I hurry to my closet and change into loose black sweat pants and a maroon sweat shirt. I proceed in putting on a pair of black nike socks and slipping on my maroon vans and I place my hood over my head to hide my puffy eyes and leftover tears.

I grab my phone, a book, earbuds, a portably charger, money, and tissues into a drawstring bag and rush outside as fast as my legs could carry me. I immediately head for my secret spot and begin sobbing again.

As soon as I reach my hammock, I attempt to breathe in the cool fall air to avoid the impending panic attack. I had these all the time back in California and I had hoped to leave them there. But I suppose leaving a place behind doesn't mean you can leave behind feelings.

Feelings. I currently wish I didn't possess any of those. If I didn't I would not feel this broken. I thought this wouldn't happen to me here. It's almost as if he knew about what happened in California and made sure it happened here too.

Flashback

It was the middle of my horrid freshman year in high school. I hadn't had very many friends and I often hid my face walking through the halls. I guess I didn't reach my beaten up locker in time today, because I was body- slammed into a wall down the hall from my locker.

I attempted to keep my eyes off of the monster in front of me, but that only fueled his fire.

"Hello there little J. Did you miss me? Because I didn't fucking miss your ugly ass." He had his signature fuckboy smirk plastered on his face.

"Luke. Please. Not here. We don't have to do this anymore. I realize that I made a mistake. Why can't you leave me alone? I was the one who was humiliated, not you."

I received a knee to my stomach as half of his response.

"Babe of course we have to do this. You're a dirty fucking slut and you need to make up for what you did."

"You have no right to call me 'babe' or any other pet names. You made it clear that you don't want anything to do with me when you sent pictures of my boobs around the school and told everyone I was only using you for sex. I've been made fun of enough. I don't need physical beatings too, asshole."

Calling him an asshole definitely was not a wise choice on my part. He began to punch and kick me repeatedly as if I'd set off a bomb.

10 minutes later I was a bleeding mess on the ground in front of a crowd of people that had gathered when he first started his explosion. All of them stared at me with blank facial expressions. If I didn't know any better, they wanted to try and make me disappear by cutting me out of their lines of vision.

Flashback over

"L-Luke.." His name tastes like fire as it escapes my lips.

Sobs shake through my body and I'm immediately thrown into a panic attack. This is the worst I've experienced since that day. It's like history is repeating itself in the nastiest way.

I collapse to the ground in an attempt to control my shaking, but it doesn't stop or slow down. My vision is filled with black dots and everything is slowly becoming darker.

I feel myself shutting down, as my eyes were getting harder to keep open. Just before I pass out, I see the outline of a person hovering above me. The persons voice sounds like it's a thousand miles away, even though it's right above me.

The last thing I'm able to slightly understand leaves me perplexed. "J, baby, please hold on. You'll be okay. I'm here. I'm sorry."

And just like that I was swept away into the wonderland of my mind.