Suicide

The Unsure Insomniac

More panic attacks came in.
They became more frequent.

And with every time she experienced one she thought she was going to die.
She repeatedly felt weak in the chest.
Whatever pain medication they were giving her wasn't enough.
With every attack, she felt like she was going to die.
But she never did.

She used to listen to the doctors discussing her condition. Something about her heart being too weak to handle all the panic attacks.

They never knew that she was awake, though.
As a matter of fact, she had difficulty sleeping.
It was like hell on both sides. Her thoughts at one and her dreams at the other. They weren't all necessarily bad but when the good ones collided with reality, they just caused all the more pain.

She developed a tremor in her hands and she felt dizzy from time to time. There were times when she threw up as well. Some of it seemed random. And that made it all the more unbearable.

She started to care less about anything. Everything started to blur. Doctors came in and out. One woman who was always in a suit whom she was sure she'd never seen popped in every now and then.
Whether it was deliberate or the lack of sufficient sleep, she couldn't tell. But she didn't find herself caring. So maybe it was a bit of both.

The major sleep she got was when she was sedated. It had to be sedation, right? Panic attacks and then sleep. Was she even still in the hospital? She could've been at a psych ward for all she knew. But for what? She hadn't lost her sanity. Maybe they thought so because of the frequent screaming.

Why couldn't she care?

After a while, the panic attacks became less frequent but they still occurred. Maybe they became less frequent because she started to sleep more.
But dreams are unpredictable.
You don't know what your dreams are going to be about.
Some of the good dreams you end up forgetting.
You never know when you're going to have a nightmare.

But what about nightmares that would otherwise be good dreams? The ones where you're aware you're in a dream but you don't care. You want to enjoy it but the knowledge that it isn't real makes it painful.

And then there are the dreams that replay that night for exactly how it happened.

The absence of the knowledge of what would happen when you close your eyes made Andrea unable to get addicted to sleep or being awake.

Both sides were beyond endurance.